Fall Back

did we all take a giant step back
when the clocks did
this eden-less Fall?

Blacks in California put a black mark against
same sex marriages
protesters punches and anarchists arrested
and you pushed me away when I was open armed
and waiting for your call.

did we all lose a bit of progress
when we elected a so-called Liberal
yet freedoms were stripped
when you forced space
and expected me to sit waiting til you wanted me again?

shipped back

we broke up last night
and I dialed your number by mistake today
somehow I memorized it as the only number id need to dial
so my fingers slipped
I gave you back all the gifts you so nicely gave me
because sometimes you recall them when you don’t get your way
so I shipped it all back and sail lighter today.
you said you’d get therapy
and for the first time I think that’s a great thing to do
since clouds of your past overshadowed our present
and I’m losing sight of you
maybe this Fall will lead to the rise of us (in winter, or spring?)
but I don’t know, neither do you
time has a way of sweeping us to pastures new.

37?

sorry I gave you
your gifts back
they were given to me under false pretenses
gifts that say ‘im sorry for doing A’
when A is all you know
and the only gift you have to give
how can fault that?
greatly and often, right…

sorry I gave you the nice shirt
I looked good in, back to you

why do I wanna look good in you
when you’ve caused me no end of trauma

I sat in YOUR hospital wing
with your drunken disorderly
I never said I liked clinics
yet I’ve sat there waiting for your results


wow i'm so not into you
anymore
I lost the spark for you
by your childish tantrums
it unnerves me that you’re 15 when your
ID says 37.
How can I imagine making love to you
when you can’t even string a sentence together
without the words ‘I can’t talk about this now’
emblazoned there in big bold print.

Taurus Bulldozing

I’ll bulldoze into your world
if I want to, okay?
there's no signs saying stay out
or go away
and if you want me to simply go
then just open your mouth
and say so.

less

I’ll be less aggressive,
less assertive
less call-it-like-it is
less complaining about rudeness and the state of the things
less pushy when you don’t call when you say
less upset when you get cold
I’ll be less in your face, less life's-a-circus
less calling you on your shit
less great at arguing and less mean
and less than the person you
secretly need me to be.

Saturn opposes Uranus

Saturn stay the same
opposes Uranus change it all
this week
u want to try and work it out
work what out, it clearly just doesn’t work
and its repeating
am I Uranus?
or do we both need fresh air freedom
far away for a while
to see what to salvage
and what to throw out with our wrath-water

pinball

aaaaaaaaaand….back to me.

this pinball game of step too far
and reel back in
is tiring
I seem to play too many balls or place too
many bets that we’ll be just fine
that fairness will out
when the bell sounds and you’re pushing me out
turned on when you’re happy
and switched off when you don’t want to play
it’s not fair in your pinball game
I don’t have rules
until I re-write them and re-wire them
they say ‘Don’t call me and go away’
its easier to play all or none
and its easier to say adieu and be gone.

my inbox

my inbox is a treasure trove of waiting wonders
messages of magic and mystical maybes
until our electrical connection fails and I’m in the dark
reloading and hitting the trigger
for just one wink, one more cry from you
and then, all treasure is but ruined cupcakes
ocean floor forgotten-ments you weighed down
with your frown and left there,
and I drown, from falling asleep while diving
it’s such a long way down to my depths
yet further to plunge your own when you’re cold
when you haven’t eaten
and you wonder if your Mother, lying in hospital
will die.

No Big One

I don’t think there’ll be a Big One in California
The tectonic plates here jar daily
with the changing of the lights
uncertainty shrouds us like the smog hanging on the trees
at Griffith Park.
Everything is a potential devastation
crippling egos, felling those standing tall
knocking down dream-homes and those in-the-making
swallowing up those too small to face the Big Questions
The Big One landed earlier today
when you shoved me into the wall because you
things in your life are heating up
I cut myself on the broken glass of lemonade I was
preparing for you
but you didn’t turn to see it until
you’d made all your dramatic calls to family who were held captive
in their own Big One, hundreds of miles away.

it’s only ever been a series of Big Ones.

Our circus spins plates in tectonic tantrum
smashing hopes and dashing the hopes that in all this
we can still find safety
when it’s okay to be scared
but no longer okay to run the other way.

so much grief

“why am I getting so much grief from everyone these days?”

you tell me.

you never got it from the hug
I gave u when I last saw you this morning
or from the pill you popped
to numb everyone out
tonight

grief comes when you care
and if my caring causes you grief
a day of winter is coming early.
and you’ll be able to play
in the snow without mittens.
because frostbite hurts less
than heart burn,
right?

timestamp

I’m sleepy
I woke this afternoon late
ate
took a bath
chased the cats out
chopped onion for our kidney bean hummus
and as though each hour were a day
I’m sleepy, and ready to dream
the rest of my night away
maybe I’m older than the timestamp they gave me
at the hospital 9-5 baby rush

cosmic cotton

in here

things are quiet
few words spoken
and a small breeze a fresh clean air
and the possibility – if you want it –
of a smile.

I may reach out
I may not
you’ll feel me anyway
from where I sit, right within you
from across this space and time

its like seeing with eyes bolted
with no front door to protect
yet all the safety you could ask for

its as though I’m’ wrapped in a cosmic cotton bubble
unpoppable, that feeling before falling

asleep
in love
for the illusion that its all real

if I look dazed, giddy
it’s only because I’m, high on the trip
of just about falling asleep
just about going
just about remembering

and if I close my eyes
I’ll still be looking right at you

our improv

we’d make a good improv show.
I speak fast, you cut me off with something
I didn’t expect to hear.
the audience is stunned, backs away.
it’s a car crash of words and careless use of the lines
its done, its over.
over my dead body your soul says.
over mine too.
its witty, and barbed. it hurts.
we laugh. silence punctures our test-tube
of laboratory rat juice, and sludge soup
or everything hateful and wrong.
and we’re still poking, well after class went home
smoke in our face.
it’s a mess.
its so un-staged, no one charges for tickets
but yet they keep coming back..
the audience of friends and onlookers,
just as we seem to spend the week apart
yet wind up there
with something else to say
something else to try on.
just to parlay, to dance, to play then ditch
to unpick, unthread, rip apart, re-stitch
run, walk, abandon, pick up.
we’re always on our feet.
fists clenched, in orgasm
if not anger.
and just as relieved when its not over.
and we’re not through

calendar

god its those events we wrote on the calendar
that really fucked me up.

the things we missed because we were still bent on angry
and hard with remorse.

its that time wont set still for one moment out one moment
away from everything.

those calendar boxed tripping in a particular day
we’ll never make because our growth is slow
and time is fast. and its gone now, its 2 days past
and im only just beginning to wake.

I don’t like looking at the calendar
not for last week anyway.
so ill pretend I just bought it last night
and hung it today.

if i want

the ovens on toasting my last bagel.
imagine this really was my last bagel.
I want to run and hug you even though you’re in
the desert right now.
and we broke up
is it easier to love someone you lost
or just continue loving them when you lose your perception
of who they should be for you?
u failed at something, I guess
is that why I was mad?
and now you don’t need to do it, you didn’t and I still
survived so i guess I didn’t need you to do it
for me to live on.
I get it now
i'm getting it now
what are you here for then in my life?
to show me I don’t need you
yet I can want you if I want?

Pluto...

Pluto,

I’ve sat and dug a hole for us
yet you won’t lie down.
I sit and wait, beneath the weeping willow
yet you won’t grieve.
I’ve wandered along the narrow path
that leads from the road, and wondered how old
you are. You’ve run rings around me
more times than the sycamore and Monkey Puzzle trees
I’ve counted, as the crows took off from the headstones
by the hedges.

Pluto,

I’m wondering if you won’t lie down
because we’re not done, or because you have
other plans. I heard they bury people standing up
these days? And if so, are we frozen in time already?
But I can speak?
So why are we sitting here in silence, when you hear my thoughts
yet don’t reply?

Pluto,

my hands are dirty from filling in our hole.
I’m cold, and hungry. Don’t the dead need no food?
You’re sitting with your back to me yet I can see you
looking at me. Why, Pluto? Why don’t you turn around?

Pluto,

I’ve closed my eyes. I see now what you see.
It’s quiet. And I see us. We never died? Is that right?
Tell me. Ah I see now. The show you’re watching across
the road.

We’re sitting in a diner and the story isn’t over.

failure to lose

I failed at letting you go.
my heart lied to me.
or was it my head?
I told myself and countless others
we were through. but you were only just
getting me started with me instead.
You failed at letting me let you go.
your heart roped you in.
why do we keep losing each other?
each time is real.
each time the clock stops, the springs whirr.
each time it bothers me so much
that you bring chills to my skin
and make my heart turn gray.
maybe I can make it less important
maybe I can become so strong it matters less.

maybe ill just go and make food and not
worry about it. because I am no longer safe or sane.
and i'm hungry.

slug

why am I excited?
why.
tell me
u made me cry the other day
and somehow here I am

and it doesn’t matter
its gone

is insanity wiping my mind of things
I feel I should be remembering
you hurt me
it didn’t feel good
and yet because i'm ok now
it should be okay for good?
no. I guess we don’t need to get back in the ring
but why am i sitting outside of this thing
watching this when it's something to be done

no wonder i've felt so sluggish.

only one stretcher

something just lifted
the sky is still cloud-n-blue
I’m still over here, me
and the last I heard you sounded like you

but something just changed, something just relaxed
some knot was just untied, just then, just now
and I can’t remember what I felt and what winter ice
was blocking me in from running down the driveway
to greet you? to see you?
or did you just take me out of your vice?

something just lifted
someone just came in and tore back the drapes and opened the window
and something is sitting tickling my chest
is Pepsi really that strong?
is this caffeine or is this because I somewhere have decided it’s okay
to not be able to let this go
because its something I want to figure out
or enjoy
do I really enjoy fighting with you?
even after it hurt.

call the paramedics, have them standing by
I don’t know if there’ll be only one stretcher needed
when we’re dying locked still in am embrace
or neck brace.

just the removal man

there's a gap appearing in your life and
home soon.
and I wonder if its really for me to fill
or i'm just the removal man
who came to help you spring clean
ready for an autumn dirtstorm to roll
its way through your door
dirtying your step with leaves
and leaving someone new after the cold passes.
if so, then I’ll keep my cap on
and keep my sleeves rolled back
and lift heavy furniture for you
and sweep under the rug to make sure
nothing remains,
for your new visitor.
I can help you stock the cupboard one last time
and light a candle.
and brew pumpkin beer and caramel coffee
so it smells inviting, as I leave
and your new guest comes in,
like this seasons calm.

moving in

the best way to hash this out
perhaps,
is to move in together.

that way we embrace the crazy
celebrate seasons with the psyche’s insanity
and lock ourselves up together
until we face one of two facts:

we love each other and will let each other be
or we will never forgive each other for some past
misdeed torturing our souls this time around.

we’ll live or die
but there’ll be no playing around.
one way or another the pain has to be faced.
maybe right now,
instead of parting
the best thing is to come together
and not be together
not be an ‘item’
but to live together and hash it out.
or maybe it only works if you share your soul
your body
your secrets
your everything.
but then maybe, there’s more to lose that way?

okay then.
I’ll lose it.
lets move in.
together.

Another Shot at Sharing

I had a boyfriend again.
ha, that’s pretty cool.
he was older (again)
but just as cruel.
okay so that’s not really exactly fair.
he did all he could and was really there..
..until I really needed him.
maybe that’s the test and lesson of all
loves faces. moving new random strangers
into closer familiar spaces.
playing the same games, changing the faces and
switching the names.
that we’re all really only meant to rely on One.
ourselves.
the moment we need to lean, to not fall
it seems it’s the time to crash to earth, hurt, sob
and continue on wiser, braver
or at least broken, messy, alone and hurting
but standing tall.

Tears Free

your heart may be massive
your gestures grand
you may sing to my balcony
and reach out your hand over the oceans and deserts
throwing train tickets to come get me
your heart may be huge, and your love endless
but I got lost on my way there

when the iron gates said
‘Sorry, dress code.'

I was crying, and your gatekeeper apparently
said it was a Tears Free Ball.

So I walked home alone
and left you wondering where I was.

lazer removal

my life will continue
I’ll pretend you didn’t leave a scar where you kissed me.
I’ll try and lose the laugh you left me
and I’ll not care for cuddles, movies.
I’ll develop an aversion to tattoos.
cancer crabs I’ll be wary of.
indirect, needing mom, you fit every profile
before you were gone.

one more text message

don’t.
not now.
when all crumpled and caved.
don’t come rushing in as though the little thing called us
you’ve saved.
us has gone.
we has died.
don’t
not now
say you can make it work.
you’ve lied.
it didn’t work
because you left, you turned, you walked.
it died because I was standing on the street
fragile, vulnerable
and you let me rot there in my own angry tears.
don’t not now.
don’t say a single word
don’t type one more text message
or I might just leave my body for good.

good ending

“it just doesn’t feel
like a good ending”
you said
you said, I’d always be in your heart
even after our end.
you’ve said you’ll try and be there
and listen
yet offered up nuclear reactions
over melted sugar. brought heroin
to my door, and ended up anything but
the hero of my story.
I’ve taught lessons, and you’ve listened
you said
And when I listened you had nothing
to say.

"it just doesn’t feel good"
you can say that again.

I’ve given, and wanted to take.
But, instead, the cashier had left the bank.
You gave up your day job of seeing my smile
and you’re off to war.
And we even joked that your car these days,
sounds like a tank…

i lost you today

I lost you today

I don’t stand scattering
your ashes, but I’m mourning
beside the city we claimed as ours.

I don’t bring flowers to remember you
because I can’t yet forget.

I don’t hold my head not knowing how
to live on
because you’re not gone.

you’re out there, and no longer in here
it feels. you’re living your own life
far from my own.
because we do not fit.

I lost us today

I let you drive into the hot desert alone
as though sending you to your very own cremation.
why do I feel it’s my choice
and my doing
and everything I do
i am tested on
graded on
as to the right, the better the “higher” thing to do

I don’t know high
I’m 5 years old
and I am crying
and telling you I don’t feel a thing.


I lost everything we had together today
pushed away, so simply, so easily
not by sleight of hand
but from a decision that life can be better
that you hurt me
and I need you far from me

this is a sad sorry game
between us
and one worth losing if it means
salvaging some peace of mind
and quiet.

just

just what
just go with you
just shut up
just roll my window down far enough
so the sound of roaring trucks counteracts
my complaint?
just where?
just over there, far enough away
so you can’t really get messy
if it hits the fan?
just safe
that’s how you like to play
and why I won’t.

Neptune's Net (again)

ur a magician
conjuring up amazing images
I swear are real
but I learned magic also
I can taste them
but it’s my own spell
not yours
who can create the biggest lie
who can spin the largest illusion
and who will complain the loudest
or quietest
when it all smokes itself to dust.

our Fall

does something always end with a Fall?
even our summer?
is this sunset? the one I watched tonight from the roof
with shades on.
I did take them off. as I undressed before you on the curb
twice this week, with everyone watching.
you don’t seem to think I'm vulnerable.
I am not the one taking Naked Yoga, but I’m always stripped before you.
How much more can you ask me to remove before
I hang up my skin and show you
the back of my wings?

Pasadena Portrait

I don’t think I really did get my air
in Pasadena. The art showing party was as still
life as the walls offerings. Red?
A portrait, unpretty. Yes.
I think I drained all color, or you didn’t notice.
I felt white inside. Even the muffins were stale.
Do I sound ungrateful?
it’s only because you never saw me come back in.
And all I wanted was one of your winks to remind me
that we know stuff. That it’s all okay.
And that soon we’ll be leaving because we’d rather be
somewhere else, just the two of us together, than wearing clothes
and lying to strangers.

i'll stay up here

down there
it’s all perfect

on Mulholland Drive
at Griffith Park

up here it’s so peaceful
We never found a fight
out in Nature, did we?

it was always
citybound,

stuck in traffic, surrounded by smog
choked with fumes of fuming, clouds of
confusion, tense travelers and speeding
sobs with no destination but every need to
make it fast.

all that passed us. high up.

down there, was where it all unfolded for us,
or unraveled.
Down there, right down there
on those city streets
that gleam so hypnotically at night

so lucidly, luring with lies of magic and beauty.
steaming with the sun by day
it’s another story, one in which we too got caught up in.

down there,
from here
it’s all perfect

so I’ll stay up here, right here
because its pretty and because you’re safe to be you here.

Karma Mechanic

maybe we’re the rusty ones

and its our piping that was leaky

and $200 is cheap for such wounded machinery

maybe we’ve overheated,

maybe we’re crying, just like your car is

as I’m parting my legs

only so that its green fluid can ebb

sadly, down, down past us

to the unwashed Hollywood Stream,

silently crying.

falling for Fall

pour a pot of pumpkin spice
plug in the apple-turnover
and snuggle up to gingerbread
I’ll kick orange leaves at you
if you whip up a wind of yellow
crunchy ones and scatter them to the
rain-sprinkled wind.
open the window and let the curtain blow
it’s chilly
but the steam swirling up from my cup
and around your arms as we hug
keeps me summer warm
and always autumn hopeful
falling for Fall,
because when all around is dying
I seem to feel alright.
and you seem to squeeze my hand tighter
on Halloween night.

even this ?

oh boy
is this what growth is?
knowing even the heart lies
in breaking, and true evolution

lies in seeing through even this?

the walls drip you

don’t think I don’t love you
the walls drip you
and I never really cared for them
without the beauty of your art
a smile, a scowl
slapped across them.
in shades that never went with the furniture
but always went with me.
and went with you I guess,
when you took off.

people say paint
but I don’t want to
the music of your drips
is what I sleep through.

saying nothing

is it true

that for all the things I write

and shout, we always find more out

when we’re quiet

and I’m saying nothing,

lying beside you?

the economy is dying?

the economy is dying?
please.
when we had only two sticks to rub together
and no cents, it all made plenty.

it’s the same story.
burn the pages again.
I’ll still be here with gelatin free marshmallows.
my fire burns bright.

that'S why its always more fun to meet you out at night
when the moon moves and the satellites chase the dragons
away.

the economy has nothing to save but coins
and face.

I took mine off this week
and I don’t scratch under the bed to buy water anymore.
I always seem to find what I need
when I want to.

oh so you hurt me

oh so you hurt me

so you shouted things no one wants to hear
I can’t believe you did it
you wrote it
you screamed it

oh so you tried to scale my wall
with grenades
you burned everything down
you took my sweater
and 2 books and threatened to ditch them
as you did me

oh so you’re insecure
and you’re terrified of loss
so you’ll knife me

you’re funny

oh so you hurt me
get over it

I did.

u can get by with others pretending they don’t see you
behind the master mask you made

but honey, papier mache melts in the rain
and if im not mistaking
you’re crying.

therapy (blah blah)

process, yada, childhood
past pain
theres no fun in the remembering game
lets forget and get hurt again
which is worth it, avoiding it all
or playing with fire, feeling the flame
and embracing the pain?

BBQ U&I

you’re on your way
tracing streets and the llids of my eyes
with your finger
shaking?

not wagging your finger at me
but your tail behind me
I brought bbq chips to eat
for I think we’ve grilled each other enough
this week

meats no treat

thanks for falling apart

thank you for taking time to tremble
accepting the chaos crumble pie
life sliced you

thanks for driving still
when the wheel snapped off
you thought you could adjust the control

maybe the temperature
it’s heating up
and you can try stay cool

but we have no control

thanks for letting the pieces fall
where they may
I never liked jigsaws
but our final print is worth hanging somewhere
as a reminder

to

thank you for falling apart
and breaking down
and giving in

.........not up

for sharing your frown
and offering up your heart
with its meats no treat sticker

to keep the cannibals at bay
when you’re vulnerable
and you risk hungry hopes
gnawing your own away

some crazy reason

I wonder how ur dreaming

im not

im watching u from 50 streets away
checking your phone connection
tapping into your cat
and watching behind his eyes
in case you stir
in case, somehow, for some unknown crazy reason
you need me

the cream you used on my hurts...

thanks for saving a curve
around your neck
upon your shoulder
just where I fit

thanks for leaving space
for five of my fingers
to slip quietly between yours
when we both weren’t looking

thanks for taking half of my lungs
and making me gasp
then sigh
at the bookstore

thanks for shouting
and then waiting for the echo
I left you, saying
“I brought the cream you used…
on my hurts…
…to heal yours”

thats why you lie

u have honest eyes
pay your rent on time eyes
and close the door when you’re done
lids.
held half-closed,
ever ready to jam my fingers in.

u handed me a peanut chip cookie last night
I wasn’t even allowed to reach in myself.

u have honest eyes
that’s why when you lie
you do it on the phone
online
where I’m blind

ur my Death

ur my death
so I stalk you
stay close by your side
wonder if you’ll call
hope you’ll be waiting down the road
lights on, in the dark
a beacon calling me a siren warning me
ur my end
so I chase you
drive to your edge
stare off your railing
and look down when you catch my eye.
ull take it away
and as I go, I’ll give it all willingly.
one last parting glancing gift
for the one look you secretly slipped me
between the bubbles in your laugh.

eden wilts

u don’t want to give up

on me?

or on your own demise?

the ego that just won’t crumble

the walls that just keep on keeping people

out

and you, safe,

from growth.

eden wilts in the shade

shouldering

I’ll pay for the broken car door
not in paper bills
or parking tickets waiting on your curb
but I’ll pay
you’ll see to that, as is your way.
“I’m moving on, I no longer care”?
your bags were packed before I even arrived there.
that’s the funny part
you’d already shielded and reinforced your heart.
no one could move in, because you’d moved out
rent signs like neons signs saying private property
red signs that shout, ‘you’re not mine’
I don’t want to be possessed but I want you to own me
take care of me with as much pride as you put
into shouldering your chip

find my lungs...

I need space
of course.
you’d never dare to ask.

so here I am again
hoping for an hour, a day
and you’ll give me a week
hoping ill call you. hoping ill break 7 days
and give you a month.

I need space.

I don’t want it. but I need it.
you take up a lot of oxygen.
I let you breathe but you take up
a lot of air.
so maybe ill find my lungs

when you're no longer there?

not thaw, not warm

I don’t know what to say
I don’t know whether to remain here
in this seat beside you
listening to a million and five reasons why Im abad
person for loving you
or liking you
or knowing you

would u respect me more if I up and leave?
I don’t know what to say

except you linger in loss
and lovingly grieve
always your last goodbye

you said it five times as you pulled on your seat belt
safely buckling yourself in from my further words
you shield yourself with shameless papery wings

while I sit, the devil on your cold shoulder
stroking your stone cold heart
reminding you

that the most evil thing you’ve done to yourself
is to

not thaw, not warm
what good was there in remaining the same?
maybe ill come back

maybe this isn’t my last refrain.
I always did look good in black

and I know you’d look good in my hoodie again.

I will (let you)

I’ll let you drive off
I’ll let you leave me
I’ll let you go alone
I’ll walk back solitary
single and on my own
I’ll show you I’m fine
I’ll show you I can wait
I’ll show you I draw my destiny
and fearlessly face fate.
because I know you
and I know we have playing to do.
so go.
I’m leaving.
and I’ll see you sipping soda
at the drive thru

Hummingbird

no one else saw my wings
I hung around beautiful fields and
brilliant bees but I flew too fast for
them to see. landing momentarily or hovering
somewhere nearby.

you called me a hummingbird

yet u see past the haste and the buzz
and as I drank the nectar dripping from under
your arm,

you’re clipping my wings unknowingly
although you call it slowing them
so you can see the light shining through.

you’re dripping, and im forgetting how to fly
and I’m sliding, trapped in venus
a paper fly,
you’re as sticky as rubbed off luck
and I’m sugar sap scared
that I’m already stuck.

barefoot, baby

I don’t know if I make you
or if you make me
or if the third thing called Us
and our new lover called We
makes our eyes look up
at the exact same time
and smile in surprise that
we’re still surprised and still anxious
and still wondering when the shoe will drop.
but we walk barefoot baby
remember we shed our souls in the sand?

...our vibration...

our vibration
created no crackle

started no spark
it hummed quietly in the background

I thought I heard it in Venice Beach
and maybe I was right

that the ocean swallowed it whole
as we passed one night.

our song

has no chorus
for its sung by one.
and if our throats get sore from singing

I think if we’ll hear it hum on.

preparing to go

I’m preparing to go to bed
to join the us marks on my pillow
and smell the space where you were
only moments ago
I’m preparing to take off my clothes
and lie in the dark
and while the sound of traffic outside
reminds me that it will all go on as I sleep
I wonder if you’ll know
I was thinking only of you
as I prepared to go?

you saw it all

the universe knew
I was calling you

it saw me leave my door
run for the bus
and chase time across
an empty parking lot

to a darkened door.
it saw.

it knew I’d be too late
and yet it sat and watched
and sat in wait.

unspeaking
unsaying
unshowing
unmoving.

I don’t know chess
but I’m breathing in black
and wondering why white
went awol

and in your own Game
universe – where you come first
you knew best
it would end up worst.

you saw it all

you watched me run for miles in the dark
but he was gone (of course )
when I got there

and then you watched
me fall.

my voice

I guess some people
have no time to lose everything
and that I should feel blessed I had 7 full days

but how can I
sudden endings take away choice
while 24 hour trees branch this way and that
seeds sprouting in seconds
all my own choice
up down, right wrong?
I cannot speak
for you have my voice.

and so...

you won’t say another word
in case it gets you in trouble
you won’t say anything else
in case the audience sits silent
you won’t dare build a bridge
in case it takes its toll
you won’t.
and so
I can’t.

second hand scents

I liked your cologne
You rubbed up close
and made me breathe
so why did you ask me to buy it?

why ask me to spend money
on something you gave so freely
the first day we met.

you told me
someone back then rubbed up close
and made you breathe

don’t hold your breath
Second hand scents are fatal.

last night's angry rainstorm...

and yet id never have found that alone
place, without your solitary shoulder
to cry on, your single handed one armed combat
to rely on, and your steadfast space
and unnecessary liberation

but how soon we forget
the path is lit, so well, even behind
eyes darkened with desire,
and yesterdays death.

I smile, but I think now
its more for the irony in embrace
than this seasons nectar
the bees buzz, but its just noise
to scare the birds away, which they did

but didn’t they know it was all just play?

all just to pretend
we don’t know how
and don’t know where
to go but everywhere, and every-here.

yet still
I desire.

and I’ll find myself sitting once more
beneath the palm, so still, so tall
waiting for last nights angry rainstorm, and this mornings
hopeful dewdrop
to fall.

hopeful dewdrop

hopeful dewdrop

and yet id never have found that alone

place, without your solitary shoulder

to cry on, your single handed one armed combat

to rely on, and your steadfast space

and unnecessary liberation

but how soon we forget

the path is lit, so well, even behind

eyes darkened with desire,

and yesterdays death.

I smile, but I think now

its more for the irony in embrace

than this seasons nectar

the bees buzz, but its just noise

to scare the birds away, which they did

but didn’t they know it was all just play?

all just to pretend

we don’t know how

and don’t know where

to go but everywhere, and every-here.

yet still

I desire.

and I’ll find myself sitting once more

beneath the palm, so still, so tall

waiting for last nights angry rainstorm, and this mornings

hopeful dewdrop

to fall.

Losing the scent

Losing the scent

I liked your cologne

You rubbed up close

and made me breathe

so why did you ask me to buy it?

why ask me to spend money

on something you gave so freely

the first day we met.

you told me

someone back then rubbed up close

and made you breathe

don’t hold your breath

Second hand scents are fatal.

Our karmic loophole

Our karmic loophole

you used to listen,

you know.

You used to light up when I said something.

But since the blackened clouds of your worry

have brought out the lightening of my inner pain

we’ve not made fires on 17^th,

- - - just ash clouds.

[Maybe that’s why the windows need cleaning so much

these days?]

Why?

when things are bad,

you know that.

!We breathe, we are Alive!

many lost that, don’t have that gift

and yet you allow yourself to squander it,

reveling in despair

when I am here to raise your eyes and smile at the light

what light???!

The light that surrounds us, in Another’s Eyes,

in a Place By The River.

We can still find happiness.

In fact -

what’s to find?

It’s there in everything we do.

And a frame of mind.

C.L

C.L

they say that Heaven is a warm fire, and Hell an icy chill.

Well, how can that be true?

your lips are as cold as ice, but warm me through.

As though, from a fountain of winter’s water you have

taken a thousand sips

I Love you. Warm heart, warm bed,

cold lips.

sheltering from the storm

sheltering from the storm

warm

beside you.

Wind lashing up against our faces

rain stripping our bodies of skin

ice tearing our hearts,

drought drying our bones

frost eating away at our faith.

Warm

beside you.

In this storm, never once did it touch

our souls.

We kept each other sane.

The storm may have claimed our bodies

but our Love was never washed away

by the rain

reality's reel

reality’s reel

today

slips away, it seems.

Revisited now, only in dreams.

Scenes on a cutting room floor

of days gone by before.

tomorrow

is a moment in a card,

in a chart, wisdom from a psychic

to borrow.

Scenes in pictures, in symbols deep

found in rivers of drowning sleep.

now

is where we dwell

to make a heaven out of a present hell

where yesterday was a game we played

without today’s wisdom, and tomorrow plans

our grain of Truth and Love

falls through the glass

with the other Sands.

blanket of night

blanket of night

I have died inside

since you cried.

I have nothing left to hold

since my heart you told

goodbye

I am weak…..so weak.

A winter tree with fragile branches, in a storm bleak

so bleak.

I am frozen, my stream can no longer flow since

night took the sun away, and the fireflies die

for they can no longer glow.

Night is too long

since you said

so long….

….so long…..

I wait. Believe blindly in a Destiny of desire

and freedom in Fate

I have died inside

since you cried.

do you..

…miss me?

for each night I swear,

you come back in the shadows

to kiss me ?

?

of Love's Lost Light

of lost Love’s light

I await the day when he returns. His memory still burns

like a candle that will not go out.

For without that

light

I am cast

in doubt

of ever being Loved again in that

same way.

His arms are around me now, so strong so

protective, my back is warm. My head can rest

upon his chest, to keep me sheltered from the storm’s harms.

The sea, the night, the stars, …the sky

are a memory I find hard to hold.

But I try….

I try to dream of You as I sleep each night

but all I seem to recall

is the days

l o n g

!! fight !!

so I must wait and dwell

…on your sweet touch and soulful smell

which I find in the rain

so I sit in the showers that pour outside

again

…..and again…..

our time

our time

I stop to wonder where you are often and though the

days events and the music playing, may fade,

your eyes

never soften.

Still sharp, yet pillow mallow,

I still drown although the water’s shallow.

A chance encounter?

Of lust and greed that never would be fulfilled, as though we had agreed.

On its fate, and now I am left to wait.

I saw a piece of you there. My SoulMate. Maybe you came to see if I still wait.

Oh I shall, I shall - for you

are all that matters now

my whole life hangs on us. Meeting you.

To again regain that rainbow shade of turquoise blue and moonlight silken white

tonight

I wonder where your eyes are

dark circles

rings of color…………

………...I do

Love you?

It was so short

How do I know? We joined

but then you had

to

go…

Liquid

Liquid

I sought you, now I seek you still. Return to haunted memories

in case you will

be there

a perfect moment you gave me

I shall not allow

you to pass me, so quietly, with shimmering eyes

and darkened brow

you were a piece of who I am

and I yearn

you had eyes so dark, yet blue with light

my soul could only,

in lonely,

burn.

I see your eyes now, each corner I turn.

You left me

…without a reason. So I shall not allow you to leave.

I shall make you find me, I believe

we shall meet again.

This I ordain

in this life, not some distant dream.

and locked, our eyes will ignite

for an eternity it may seem.

You see I am right?

It shall come to pass. You shouldn’t have left me

missingyoumissingyoumissingyoumissingyoumissingyoumissingyoumissingyou

last

night.

seek and you shall find?

seek and you shall find?

in the stillness of the pool. I seek you.

In the quiet moon’s face. I seek your name

and the place you now reside

in the ocean I search amongst the shells to trace your

whereabouts. In the changing tide.

Did you cry? I thought last night I felt you weak.

Or was it my failing heart, were you trying to speak?

In the stillness of the stars

I seek you. Somewhere between Venus peace

and the raging wars of Mars I try to sleep.

As in the pools reflection I see you

and sink deep.

dreamland

dreamland

find me there if you can!

If you’re lucky,

if I haven’t eaten a magic bunny and

banished time?

How can you find me tonight

if there is no day?

How can you see me in black and white

when I’m wearing a suit in crimson gray?

A brick wall, made of solid chocolate

topped in mortar of cream

is where you may find my

phone number

although we use telepathy here

so just leave a message after the beep

there’s a tree which leads down to my home

but it’s in a forest you’ll never see

unless you ask the tree

the way,

so don’t count on finding me tonight

or any night soon.

My freedom comes with the passing

of the sun and the birth of the moon…

Katie

Katie

I opened my wallet the other day

and found your photograph inside

the innermost pocket.

You, with your very-red lips

And eyes that want to play

at Discover

I cannot believe you died.

I cannot believe

You left, without us being friends again.

Though, I hope you know

That as you lay in your coma-bed

I was with you.

… by your side…

Whispering to you

And gently stroking your head.

I cannot believe

Someone hurt you like they said in the papers

That you were left, bruised and battered

In a bath

And how you were tied up

And burnt with cigarettes

Who would want to hurt that face

That was so open to crying

How could they let you walk free

Knowing you were dying.

Your mother tells me

You listened to Riverdance in your last few days…

.. because it was the only thing

that didn’t hurt your head…

And then,

a few days later

You would give up your weekend fight

And lie dead.

I came to you, and told you, you could go

…I hope you know ?

And, lit a candle and asked you to visit me

I think you did

The candle flickered and was extinguished

and the window wasn’t even open.

I folded myself up

Behind a closed door

I didn’t know

My mother told me on the phone.

I was waiting all weekend long for news of your recovery

And she said

“Oh…She died…. She never made it”

There is a coldness a human can feel

Like you are empty

And have stones in your feet

And someone is digging in your stomach

Katie,

There are still tapes here of Love-words

You spoke to me

Do I save them, or give them to

Your parents to hear

Could they bring you back

Or when I play them,

At least

near..?

And

Most beautiful of all

is the message you left on

the back of this photograph in my wallet

“To my Darling Neil

All my fondest Love

and tender care for evermore.”

Which I don’t deserve…

How could they hurt you

?

was it meant to be

was it all planned on a soul-level

by everyone involved

including me

since you were gone, nothing has been the same.

I just hope

You left in Peace, not pain.

Everyone at school, was devastated

And it was destroying to see

that the girl who bullied you the most

who you were supposed to not get

along with at all

Was uncontrollable with grief

That, sitting in black clothes somehow didn’t

do you justice

but the funny poem your parents chose for me to read

did

You mother wore a bright purple scarf,

Did you see ?

It was beautiful !

Like you

I know,

how much pain can fill a church chapel

How hard it is to carry on in life

without knowing

‘why’

And watch a coffin carrying your friend

And having to say

Goodbye.

Did you know you were Loved

Because you were

And you are

Wherever you are now

know that.

You told me something that has remained with me

Ever since

“Love Life. Otherwise it’s just a whole pointless waste of time”.

And I told you something

and everyone else in the church that day

who was hurting inside

“Someone once said…

For someone to die completely

they need to forget, or be forgotten.

Katie will never be forgotten

Therefore, she has not died”.

all said, all done

you still think of me
that's what you said

but
you'd rather be
alone, instead.

lookalike

will you always
haunt me
out of reach
call me
with a song,
a memory,
even when the number is foreign
and the telephone new.

will you?
send lookalikes to
my street.
cast old letters out to me
while I'm cleaning, to fall at my feet.

with familiar trip-me-up handwriting.

will you always remind
me of "if"

not with

will you remain
silent
except for a bitter winter
sent behind the sun
of spring.

will you leave me
with nothing.

and yet be with me
through everything?

under your reign

quietly, as gentle rain falls
it was with barely a moment
that you graced my space

slowly, as dawn rises
you smiled and
the night was pierced with radiant light.

deeply, nature flew south
a winter came bringing two snowflakes
identical yet different.

strangely, what was so rare
was so obvious and known.

really, how could there have been
a before this
when this is all I ever had.

quietly, even before the rain falls
you knew,
and in that knowing allowed me to fall
too.

Club Freedom

that moment
as I almost forgot to dance,
i saw you.
you were leaning by the door
eyes fixed solely on me.

i thought you'd moved to my city
till lasers from the strobe
moved through you and you smiled.

as I forgot to dance and
the shadows stretched
ever more before me
I saw you hold up a mirror
and I saw the light was not
reflected from the strobe
The shadows cast were
shaped like me. How could I not see?

I saw myself glowing in the mirror
you held.

you laughed

and we shared a joke we've been sharing for eons now.
the one when two
beings of light try on different disguises
and play Hide & Seek with each other.

you never left the door leaning there smiling.

yet I could feel you close.
and then I realized, that as you
looked into my eyes
you saw your own mirror reflected there

and you laughed harder.

I always forget to dance
and I realize then
that the moment you
are about to lose yourself

is when you can find all
that you are looking for.

never knew

Peaceful, non-judgmental and free
that's how I'll remember you
when I'm far from the ocean
yet lost at sea.

Safe, warm and allowed to be
I will honor the life that
you showed me.

'Midst the loud and wingless
a peaceful free

I never knew 'till you
that I could be.

Jan 22 03
Seattle, WA 6.41pm

isn't it?

isn't anger better than apathy
raised voices better
than cemetery silence

?

isn't "trying" harder
than giving up
but worth it ?

isn't telling how you feel
better than letting guess wrong
and isn't it much more painful
to love fast and free
isn't it so hard, but worth it
to love Me?

isn't it tiring to always be right
and isn't it better to fight by day
if only to enjoy the night?

and isn't it only games you are playing with me
isn't it hard when you are so seeking, so searching
to see
?

I've asked myself this.
But I won't tell me.

a bientot

This isn't the first time
I'm locked in your embrace

You've pulled the night over me
many times previously,
lying face to face.

and if only to
save tonight
I am letting you go
I put up no fight

This isn't the first time
This isn't the last time

you'll be knowing me.

dancing yellow, breathing blue

somewhere
i am dancing yellow
breathing blue breezes
quiet, where the
streams gently wash
away the horizon I ran from
before these poppies because
forests.
this somewhere is eternally
safe. peaceful as i always
new.
why did I ever believe
myself to have left the place
where I am still dancing yellow
....here....
breathing breezes blue.

true north

no one found such joy
in catching raindrops
in their mouth
or laughed so hard
at their body clock rewinding
people here use umbrellas
but you get soaked through
and marvel at the illusion age they give you.
no one found the day so full of stars
and the night
so sunlight bright
as you.

perhaps only me.
following the path in the bushes
that you carved through.,.,