Fall Back

did we all take a giant step back
when the clocks did
this eden-less Fall?

Blacks in California put a black mark against
same sex marriages
protesters punches and anarchists arrested
and you pushed me away when I was open armed
and waiting for your call.

did we all lose a bit of progress
when we elected a so-called Liberal
yet freedoms were stripped
when you forced space
and expected me to sit waiting til you wanted me again?

shipped back

we broke up last night
and I dialed your number by mistake today
somehow I memorized it as the only number id need to dial
so my fingers slipped
I gave you back all the gifts you so nicely gave me
because sometimes you recall them when you don’t get your way
so I shipped it all back and sail lighter today.
you said you’d get therapy
and for the first time I think that’s a great thing to do
since clouds of your past overshadowed our present
and I’m losing sight of you
maybe this Fall will lead to the rise of us (in winter, or spring?)
but I don’t know, neither do you
time has a way of sweeping us to pastures new.

37?

sorry I gave you
your gifts back
they were given to me under false pretenses
gifts that say ‘im sorry for doing A’
when A is all you know
and the only gift you have to give
how can fault that?
greatly and often, right…

sorry I gave you the nice shirt
I looked good in, back to you

why do I wanna look good in you
when you’ve caused me no end of trauma

I sat in YOUR hospital wing
with your drunken disorderly
I never said I liked clinics
yet I’ve sat there waiting for your results


wow i'm so not into you
anymore
I lost the spark for you
by your childish tantrums
it unnerves me that you’re 15 when your
ID says 37.
How can I imagine making love to you
when you can’t even string a sentence together
without the words ‘I can’t talk about this now’
emblazoned there in big bold print.

Taurus Bulldozing

I’ll bulldoze into your world
if I want to, okay?
there's no signs saying stay out
or go away
and if you want me to simply go
then just open your mouth
and say so.

less

I’ll be less aggressive,
less assertive
less call-it-like-it is
less complaining about rudeness and the state of the things
less pushy when you don’t call when you say
less upset when you get cold
I’ll be less in your face, less life's-a-circus
less calling you on your shit
less great at arguing and less mean
and less than the person you
secretly need me to be.

Saturn opposes Uranus

Saturn stay the same
opposes Uranus change it all
this week
u want to try and work it out
work what out, it clearly just doesn’t work
and its repeating
am I Uranus?
or do we both need fresh air freedom
far away for a while
to see what to salvage
and what to throw out with our wrath-water

pinball

aaaaaaaaaand….back to me.

this pinball game of step too far
and reel back in
is tiring
I seem to play too many balls or place too
many bets that we’ll be just fine
that fairness will out
when the bell sounds and you’re pushing me out
turned on when you’re happy
and switched off when you don’t want to play
it’s not fair in your pinball game
I don’t have rules
until I re-write them and re-wire them
they say ‘Don’t call me and go away’
its easier to play all or none
and its easier to say adieu and be gone.

my inbox

my inbox is a treasure trove of waiting wonders
messages of magic and mystical maybes
until our electrical connection fails and I’m in the dark
reloading and hitting the trigger
for just one wink, one more cry from you
and then, all treasure is but ruined cupcakes
ocean floor forgotten-ments you weighed down
with your frown and left there,
and I drown, from falling asleep while diving
it’s such a long way down to my depths
yet further to plunge your own when you’re cold
when you haven’t eaten
and you wonder if your Mother, lying in hospital
will die.

No Big One

I don’t think there’ll be a Big One in California
The tectonic plates here jar daily
with the changing of the lights
uncertainty shrouds us like the smog hanging on the trees
at Griffith Park.
Everything is a potential devastation
crippling egos, felling those standing tall
knocking down dream-homes and those in-the-making
swallowing up those too small to face the Big Questions
The Big One landed earlier today
when you shoved me into the wall because you
things in your life are heating up
I cut myself on the broken glass of lemonade I was
preparing for you
but you didn’t turn to see it until
you’d made all your dramatic calls to family who were held captive
in their own Big One, hundreds of miles away.

it’s only ever been a series of Big Ones.

Our circus spins plates in tectonic tantrum
smashing hopes and dashing the hopes that in all this
we can still find safety
when it’s okay to be scared
but no longer okay to run the other way.

so much grief

“why am I getting so much grief from everyone these days?”

you tell me.

you never got it from the hug
I gave u when I last saw you this morning
or from the pill you popped
to numb everyone out
tonight

grief comes when you care
and if my caring causes you grief
a day of winter is coming early.
and you’ll be able to play
in the snow without mittens.
because frostbite hurts less
than heart burn,
right?

timestamp

I’m sleepy
I woke this afternoon late
ate
took a bath
chased the cats out
chopped onion for our kidney bean hummus
and as though each hour were a day
I’m sleepy, and ready to dream
the rest of my night away
maybe I’m older than the timestamp they gave me
at the hospital 9-5 baby rush

cosmic cotton

in here

things are quiet
few words spoken
and a small breeze a fresh clean air
and the possibility – if you want it –
of a smile.

I may reach out
I may not
you’ll feel me anyway
from where I sit, right within you
from across this space and time

its like seeing with eyes bolted
with no front door to protect
yet all the safety you could ask for

its as though I’m’ wrapped in a cosmic cotton bubble
unpoppable, that feeling before falling

asleep
in love
for the illusion that its all real

if I look dazed, giddy
it’s only because I’m, high on the trip
of just about falling asleep
just about going
just about remembering

and if I close my eyes
I’ll still be looking right at you

our improv

we’d make a good improv show.
I speak fast, you cut me off with something
I didn’t expect to hear.
the audience is stunned, backs away.
it’s a car crash of words and careless use of the lines
its done, its over.
over my dead body your soul says.
over mine too.
its witty, and barbed. it hurts.
we laugh. silence punctures our test-tube
of laboratory rat juice, and sludge soup
or everything hateful and wrong.
and we’re still poking, well after class went home
smoke in our face.
it’s a mess.
its so un-staged, no one charges for tickets
but yet they keep coming back..
the audience of friends and onlookers,
just as we seem to spend the week apart
yet wind up there
with something else to say
something else to try on.
just to parlay, to dance, to play then ditch
to unpick, unthread, rip apart, re-stitch
run, walk, abandon, pick up.
we’re always on our feet.
fists clenched, in orgasm
if not anger.
and just as relieved when its not over.
and we’re not through

calendar

god its those events we wrote on the calendar
that really fucked me up.

the things we missed because we were still bent on angry
and hard with remorse.

its that time wont set still for one moment out one moment
away from everything.

those calendar boxed tripping in a particular day
we’ll never make because our growth is slow
and time is fast. and its gone now, its 2 days past
and im only just beginning to wake.

I don’t like looking at the calendar
not for last week anyway.
so ill pretend I just bought it last night
and hung it today.

if i want

the ovens on toasting my last bagel.
imagine this really was my last bagel.
I want to run and hug you even though you’re in
the desert right now.
and we broke up
is it easier to love someone you lost
or just continue loving them when you lose your perception
of who they should be for you?
u failed at something, I guess
is that why I was mad?
and now you don’t need to do it, you didn’t and I still
survived so i guess I didn’t need you to do it
for me to live on.
I get it now
i'm getting it now
what are you here for then in my life?
to show me I don’t need you
yet I can want you if I want?

Pluto...

Pluto,

I’ve sat and dug a hole for us
yet you won’t lie down.
I sit and wait, beneath the weeping willow
yet you won’t grieve.
I’ve wandered along the narrow path
that leads from the road, and wondered how old
you are. You’ve run rings around me
more times than the sycamore and Monkey Puzzle trees
I’ve counted, as the crows took off from the headstones
by the hedges.

Pluto,

I’m wondering if you won’t lie down
because we’re not done, or because you have
other plans. I heard they bury people standing up
these days? And if so, are we frozen in time already?
But I can speak?
So why are we sitting here in silence, when you hear my thoughts
yet don’t reply?

Pluto,

my hands are dirty from filling in our hole.
I’m cold, and hungry. Don’t the dead need no food?
You’re sitting with your back to me yet I can see you
looking at me. Why, Pluto? Why don’t you turn around?

Pluto,

I’ve closed my eyes. I see now what you see.
It’s quiet. And I see us. We never died? Is that right?
Tell me. Ah I see now. The show you’re watching across
the road.

We’re sitting in a diner and the story isn’t over.

failure to lose

I failed at letting you go.
my heart lied to me.
or was it my head?
I told myself and countless others
we were through. but you were only just
getting me started with me instead.
You failed at letting me let you go.
your heart roped you in.
why do we keep losing each other?
each time is real.
each time the clock stops, the springs whirr.
each time it bothers me so much
that you bring chills to my skin
and make my heart turn gray.
maybe I can make it less important
maybe I can become so strong it matters less.

maybe ill just go and make food and not
worry about it. because I am no longer safe or sane.
and i'm hungry.

slug

why am I excited?
why.
tell me
u made me cry the other day
and somehow here I am

and it doesn’t matter
its gone

is insanity wiping my mind of things
I feel I should be remembering
you hurt me
it didn’t feel good
and yet because i'm ok now
it should be okay for good?
no. I guess we don’t need to get back in the ring
but why am i sitting outside of this thing
watching this when it's something to be done

no wonder i've felt so sluggish.

only one stretcher

something just lifted
the sky is still cloud-n-blue
I’m still over here, me
and the last I heard you sounded like you

but something just changed, something just relaxed
some knot was just untied, just then, just now
and I can’t remember what I felt and what winter ice
was blocking me in from running down the driveway
to greet you? to see you?
or did you just take me out of your vice?

something just lifted
someone just came in and tore back the drapes and opened the window
and something is sitting tickling my chest
is Pepsi really that strong?
is this caffeine or is this because I somewhere have decided it’s okay
to not be able to let this go
because its something I want to figure out
or enjoy
do I really enjoy fighting with you?
even after it hurt.

call the paramedics, have them standing by
I don’t know if there’ll be only one stretcher needed
when we’re dying locked still in am embrace
or neck brace.

just the removal man

there's a gap appearing in your life and
home soon.
and I wonder if its really for me to fill
or i'm just the removal man
who came to help you spring clean
ready for an autumn dirtstorm to roll
its way through your door
dirtying your step with leaves
and leaving someone new after the cold passes.
if so, then I’ll keep my cap on
and keep my sleeves rolled back
and lift heavy furniture for you
and sweep under the rug to make sure
nothing remains,
for your new visitor.
I can help you stock the cupboard one last time
and light a candle.
and brew pumpkin beer and caramel coffee
so it smells inviting, as I leave
and your new guest comes in,
like this seasons calm.

moving in

the best way to hash this out
perhaps,
is to move in together.

that way we embrace the crazy
celebrate seasons with the psyche’s insanity
and lock ourselves up together
until we face one of two facts:

we love each other and will let each other be
or we will never forgive each other for some past
misdeed torturing our souls this time around.

we’ll live or die
but there’ll be no playing around.
one way or another the pain has to be faced.
maybe right now,
instead of parting
the best thing is to come together
and not be together
not be an ‘item’
but to live together and hash it out.
or maybe it only works if you share your soul
your body
your secrets
your everything.
but then maybe, there’s more to lose that way?

okay then.
I’ll lose it.
lets move in.
together.

Another Shot at Sharing

I had a boyfriend again.
ha, that’s pretty cool.
he was older (again)
but just as cruel.
okay so that’s not really exactly fair.
he did all he could and was really there..
..until I really needed him.
maybe that’s the test and lesson of all
loves faces. moving new random strangers
into closer familiar spaces.
playing the same games, changing the faces and
switching the names.
that we’re all really only meant to rely on One.
ourselves.
the moment we need to lean, to not fall
it seems it’s the time to crash to earth, hurt, sob
and continue on wiser, braver
or at least broken, messy, alone and hurting
but standing tall.

Tears Free

your heart may be massive
your gestures grand
you may sing to my balcony
and reach out your hand over the oceans and deserts
throwing train tickets to come get me
your heart may be huge, and your love endless
but I got lost on my way there

when the iron gates said
‘Sorry, dress code.'

I was crying, and your gatekeeper apparently
said it was a Tears Free Ball.

So I walked home alone
and left you wondering where I was.

lazer removal

my life will continue
I’ll pretend you didn’t leave a scar where you kissed me.
I’ll try and lose the laugh you left me
and I’ll not care for cuddles, movies.
I’ll develop an aversion to tattoos.
cancer crabs I’ll be wary of.
indirect, needing mom, you fit every profile
before you were gone.

one more text message

don’t.
not now.
when all crumpled and caved.
don’t come rushing in as though the little thing called us
you’ve saved.
us has gone.
we has died.
don’t
not now
say you can make it work.
you’ve lied.
it didn’t work
because you left, you turned, you walked.
it died because I was standing on the street
fragile, vulnerable
and you let me rot there in my own angry tears.
don’t not now.
don’t say a single word
don’t type one more text message
or I might just leave my body for good.

good ending

“it just doesn’t feel
like a good ending”
you said
you said, I’d always be in your heart
even after our end.
you’ve said you’ll try and be there
and listen
yet offered up nuclear reactions
over melted sugar. brought heroin
to my door, and ended up anything but
the hero of my story.
I’ve taught lessons, and you’ve listened
you said
And when I listened you had nothing
to say.

"it just doesn’t feel good"
you can say that again.

I’ve given, and wanted to take.
But, instead, the cashier had left the bank.
You gave up your day job of seeing my smile
and you’re off to war.
And we even joked that your car these days,
sounds like a tank…

i lost you today

I lost you today

I don’t stand scattering
your ashes, but I’m mourning
beside the city we claimed as ours.

I don’t bring flowers to remember you
because I can’t yet forget.

I don’t hold my head not knowing how
to live on
because you’re not gone.

you’re out there, and no longer in here
it feels. you’re living your own life
far from my own.
because we do not fit.

I lost us today

I let you drive into the hot desert alone
as though sending you to your very own cremation.
why do I feel it’s my choice
and my doing
and everything I do
i am tested on
graded on
as to the right, the better the “higher” thing to do

I don’t know high
I’m 5 years old
and I am crying
and telling you I don’t feel a thing.


I lost everything we had together today
pushed away, so simply, so easily
not by sleight of hand
but from a decision that life can be better
that you hurt me
and I need you far from me

this is a sad sorry game
between us
and one worth losing if it means
salvaging some peace of mind
and quiet.

just

just what
just go with you
just shut up
just roll my window down far enough
so the sound of roaring trucks counteracts
my complaint?
just where?
just over there, far enough away
so you can’t really get messy
if it hits the fan?
just safe
that’s how you like to play
and why I won’t.

Neptune's Net (again)

ur a magician
conjuring up amazing images
I swear are real
but I learned magic also
I can taste them
but it’s my own spell
not yours
who can create the biggest lie
who can spin the largest illusion
and who will complain the loudest
or quietest
when it all smokes itself to dust.

our Fall

does something always end with a Fall?
even our summer?
is this sunset? the one I watched tonight from the roof
with shades on.
I did take them off. as I undressed before you on the curb
twice this week, with everyone watching.
you don’t seem to think I'm vulnerable.
I am not the one taking Naked Yoga, but I’m always stripped before you.
How much more can you ask me to remove before
I hang up my skin and show you
the back of my wings?

Pasadena Portrait

I don’t think I really did get my air
in Pasadena. The art showing party was as still
life as the walls offerings. Red?
A portrait, unpretty. Yes.
I think I drained all color, or you didn’t notice.
I felt white inside. Even the muffins were stale.
Do I sound ungrateful?
it’s only because you never saw me come back in.
And all I wanted was one of your winks to remind me
that we know stuff. That it’s all okay.
And that soon we’ll be leaving because we’d rather be
somewhere else, just the two of us together, than wearing clothes
and lying to strangers.

i'll stay up here

down there
it’s all perfect

on Mulholland Drive
at Griffith Park

up here it’s so peaceful
We never found a fight
out in Nature, did we?

it was always
citybound,

stuck in traffic, surrounded by smog
choked with fumes of fuming, clouds of
confusion, tense travelers and speeding
sobs with no destination but every need to
make it fast.

all that passed us. high up.

down there, was where it all unfolded for us,
or unraveled.
Down there, right down there
on those city streets
that gleam so hypnotically at night

so lucidly, luring with lies of magic and beauty.
steaming with the sun by day
it’s another story, one in which we too got caught up in.

down there,
from here
it’s all perfect

so I’ll stay up here, right here
because its pretty and because you’re safe to be you here.

Karma Mechanic

maybe we’re the rusty ones

and its our piping that was leaky

and $200 is cheap for such wounded machinery

maybe we’ve overheated,

maybe we’re crying, just like your car is

as I’m parting my legs

only so that its green fluid can ebb

sadly, down, down past us

to the unwashed Hollywood Stream,

silently crying.