i lost you today

I lost you today

I don’t stand scattering
your ashes, but I’m mourning
beside the city we claimed as ours.

I don’t bring flowers to remember you
because I can’t yet forget.

I don’t hold my head not knowing how
to live on
because you’re not gone.

you’re out there, and no longer in here
it feels. you’re living your own life
far from my own.
because we do not fit.

I lost us today

I let you drive into the hot desert alone
as though sending you to your very own cremation.
why do I feel it’s my choice
and my doing
and everything I do
i am tested on
graded on
as to the right, the better the “higher” thing to do

I don’t know high
I’m 5 years old
and I am crying
and telling you I don’t feel a thing.


I lost everything we had together today
pushed away, so simply, so easily
not by sleight of hand
but from a decision that life can be better
that you hurt me
and I need you far from me

this is a sad sorry game
between us
and one worth losing if it means
salvaging some peace of mind
and quiet.