falling for Fall

pour a pot of pumpkin spice
plug in the apple-turnover
and snuggle up to gingerbread
I’ll kick orange leaves at you
if you whip up a wind of yellow
crunchy ones and scatter them to the
rain-sprinkled wind.
open the window and let the curtain blow
it’s chilly
but the steam swirling up from my cup
and around your arms as we hug
keeps me summer warm
and always autumn hopeful
falling for Fall,
because when all around is dying
I seem to feel alright.
and you seem to squeeze my hand tighter
on Halloween night.

even this ?

oh boy
is this what growth is?
knowing even the heart lies
in breaking, and true evolution

lies in seeing through even this?

the walls drip you

don’t think I don’t love you
the walls drip you
and I never really cared for them
without the beauty of your art
a smile, a scowl
slapped across them.
in shades that never went with the furniture
but always went with me.
and went with you I guess,
when you took off.

people say paint
but I don’t want to
the music of your drips
is what I sleep through.

saying nothing

is it true

that for all the things I write

and shout, we always find more out

when we’re quiet

and I’m saying nothing,

lying beside you?

the economy is dying?

the economy is dying?
please.
when we had only two sticks to rub together
and no cents, it all made plenty.

it’s the same story.
burn the pages again.
I’ll still be here with gelatin free marshmallows.
my fire burns bright.

that'S why its always more fun to meet you out at night
when the moon moves and the satellites chase the dragons
away.

the economy has nothing to save but coins
and face.

I took mine off this week
and I don’t scratch under the bed to buy water anymore.
I always seem to find what I need
when I want to.

oh so you hurt me

oh so you hurt me

so you shouted things no one wants to hear
I can’t believe you did it
you wrote it
you screamed it

oh so you tried to scale my wall
with grenades
you burned everything down
you took my sweater
and 2 books and threatened to ditch them
as you did me

oh so you’re insecure
and you’re terrified of loss
so you’ll knife me

you’re funny

oh so you hurt me
get over it

I did.

u can get by with others pretending they don’t see you
behind the master mask you made

but honey, papier mache melts in the rain
and if im not mistaking
you’re crying.

therapy (blah blah)

process, yada, childhood
past pain
theres no fun in the remembering game
lets forget and get hurt again
which is worth it, avoiding it all
or playing with fire, feeling the flame
and embracing the pain?

BBQ U&I

you’re on your way
tracing streets and the llids of my eyes
with your finger
shaking?

not wagging your finger at me
but your tail behind me
I brought bbq chips to eat
for I think we’ve grilled each other enough
this week

meats no treat

thanks for falling apart

thank you for taking time to tremble
accepting the chaos crumble pie
life sliced you

thanks for driving still
when the wheel snapped off
you thought you could adjust the control

maybe the temperature
it’s heating up
and you can try stay cool

but we have no control

thanks for letting the pieces fall
where they may
I never liked jigsaws
but our final print is worth hanging somewhere
as a reminder

to

thank you for falling apart
and breaking down
and giving in

.........not up

for sharing your frown
and offering up your heart
with its meats no treat sticker

to keep the cannibals at bay
when you’re vulnerable
and you risk hungry hopes
gnawing your own away

some crazy reason

I wonder how ur dreaming

im not

im watching u from 50 streets away
checking your phone connection
tapping into your cat
and watching behind his eyes
in case you stir
in case, somehow, for some unknown crazy reason
you need me

the cream you used on my hurts...

thanks for saving a curve
around your neck
upon your shoulder
just where I fit

thanks for leaving space
for five of my fingers
to slip quietly between yours
when we both weren’t looking

thanks for taking half of my lungs
and making me gasp
then sigh
at the bookstore

thanks for shouting
and then waiting for the echo
I left you, saying
“I brought the cream you used…
on my hurts…
…to heal yours”

thats why you lie

u have honest eyes
pay your rent on time eyes
and close the door when you’re done
lids.
held half-closed,
ever ready to jam my fingers in.

u handed me a peanut chip cookie last night
I wasn’t even allowed to reach in myself.

u have honest eyes
that’s why when you lie
you do it on the phone
online
where I’m blind

ur my Death

ur my death
so I stalk you
stay close by your side
wonder if you’ll call
hope you’ll be waiting down the road
lights on, in the dark
a beacon calling me a siren warning me
ur my end
so I chase you
drive to your edge
stare off your railing
and look down when you catch my eye.
ull take it away
and as I go, I’ll give it all willingly.
one last parting glancing gift
for the one look you secretly slipped me
between the bubbles in your laugh.

eden wilts

u don’t want to give up

on me?

or on your own demise?

the ego that just won’t crumble

the walls that just keep on keeping people

out

and you, safe,

from growth.

eden wilts in the shade

shouldering

I’ll pay for the broken car door
not in paper bills
or parking tickets waiting on your curb
but I’ll pay
you’ll see to that, as is your way.
“I’m moving on, I no longer care”?
your bags were packed before I even arrived there.
that’s the funny part
you’d already shielded and reinforced your heart.
no one could move in, because you’d moved out
rent signs like neons signs saying private property
red signs that shout, ‘you’re not mine’
I don’t want to be possessed but I want you to own me
take care of me with as much pride as you put
into shouldering your chip

find my lungs...

I need space
of course.
you’d never dare to ask.

so here I am again
hoping for an hour, a day
and you’ll give me a week
hoping ill call you. hoping ill break 7 days
and give you a month.

I need space.

I don’t want it. but I need it.
you take up a lot of oxygen.
I let you breathe but you take up
a lot of air.
so maybe ill find my lungs

when you're no longer there?

not thaw, not warm

I don’t know what to say
I don’t know whether to remain here
in this seat beside you
listening to a million and five reasons why Im abad
person for loving you
or liking you
or knowing you

would u respect me more if I up and leave?
I don’t know what to say

except you linger in loss
and lovingly grieve
always your last goodbye

you said it five times as you pulled on your seat belt
safely buckling yourself in from my further words
you shield yourself with shameless papery wings

while I sit, the devil on your cold shoulder
stroking your stone cold heart
reminding you

that the most evil thing you’ve done to yourself
is to

not thaw, not warm
what good was there in remaining the same?
maybe ill come back

maybe this isn’t my last refrain.
I always did look good in black

and I know you’d look good in my hoodie again.

I will (let you)

I’ll let you drive off
I’ll let you leave me
I’ll let you go alone
I’ll walk back solitary
single and on my own
I’ll show you I’m fine
I’ll show you I can wait
I’ll show you I draw my destiny
and fearlessly face fate.
because I know you
and I know we have playing to do.
so go.
I’m leaving.
and I’ll see you sipping soda
at the drive thru

Hummingbird

no one else saw my wings
I hung around beautiful fields and
brilliant bees but I flew too fast for
them to see. landing momentarily or hovering
somewhere nearby.

you called me a hummingbird

yet u see past the haste and the buzz
and as I drank the nectar dripping from under
your arm,

you’re clipping my wings unknowingly
although you call it slowing them
so you can see the light shining through.

you’re dripping, and im forgetting how to fly
and I’m sliding, trapped in venus
a paper fly,
you’re as sticky as rubbed off luck
and I’m sugar sap scared
that I’m already stuck.

barefoot, baby

I don’t know if I make you
or if you make me
or if the third thing called Us
and our new lover called We
makes our eyes look up
at the exact same time
and smile in surprise that
we’re still surprised and still anxious
and still wondering when the shoe will drop.
but we walk barefoot baby
remember we shed our souls in the sand?

...our vibration...

our vibration
created no crackle

started no spark
it hummed quietly in the background

I thought I heard it in Venice Beach
and maybe I was right

that the ocean swallowed it whole
as we passed one night.

our song

has no chorus
for its sung by one.
and if our throats get sore from singing

I think if we’ll hear it hum on.

preparing to go

I’m preparing to go to bed
to join the us marks on my pillow
and smell the space where you were
only moments ago
I’m preparing to take off my clothes
and lie in the dark
and while the sound of traffic outside
reminds me that it will all go on as I sleep
I wonder if you’ll know
I was thinking only of you
as I prepared to go?

you saw it all

the universe knew
I was calling you

it saw me leave my door
run for the bus
and chase time across
an empty parking lot

to a darkened door.
it saw.

it knew I’d be too late
and yet it sat and watched
and sat in wait.

unspeaking
unsaying
unshowing
unmoving.

I don’t know chess
but I’m breathing in black
and wondering why white
went awol

and in your own Game
universe – where you come first
you knew best
it would end up worst.

you saw it all

you watched me run for miles in the dark
but he was gone (of course )
when I got there

and then you watched
me fall.

my voice

I guess some people
have no time to lose everything
and that I should feel blessed I had 7 full days

but how can I
sudden endings take away choice
while 24 hour trees branch this way and that
seeds sprouting in seconds
all my own choice
up down, right wrong?
I cannot speak
for you have my voice.

and so...

you won’t say another word
in case it gets you in trouble
you won’t say anything else
in case the audience sits silent
you won’t dare build a bridge
in case it takes its toll
you won’t.
and so
I can’t.

second hand scents

I liked your cologne
You rubbed up close
and made me breathe
so why did you ask me to buy it?

why ask me to spend money
on something you gave so freely
the first day we met.

you told me
someone back then rubbed up close
and made you breathe

don’t hold your breath
Second hand scents are fatal.

last night's angry rainstorm...

and yet id never have found that alone
place, without your solitary shoulder
to cry on, your single handed one armed combat
to rely on, and your steadfast space
and unnecessary liberation

but how soon we forget
the path is lit, so well, even behind
eyes darkened with desire,
and yesterdays death.

I smile, but I think now
its more for the irony in embrace
than this seasons nectar
the bees buzz, but its just noise
to scare the birds away, which they did

but didn’t they know it was all just play?

all just to pretend
we don’t know how
and don’t know where
to go but everywhere, and every-here.

yet still
I desire.

and I’ll find myself sitting once more
beneath the palm, so still, so tall
waiting for last nights angry rainstorm, and this mornings
hopeful dewdrop
to fall.