Poem from a Pisces

hummingbirds don't sleep

2010-01-10T00:30:00.001-08:00

Am I teaching you freedom
Or when I point out the roses
Am I losing mine?

I catch u as you hover around the flowers
Too deep to risk the sweetest juice
Of Now.

Your wings buzz fast and furious
So much work for so little reward.
I’d offer a straw but
Hummingbirds don’t stop to take a moment.

Am I blocking your path
As the brigthest most dangerous tulip
In a field of green. Red-capped and smiling.
A siren of sorts, not meant to be, but unavoidable.

Your heart beats fast and furious
So much work for so little reward
I’d offer a pillow to rest on but
Hummingbirds don’t sleep while their singing.

Am I denying nature
When I ask you to sit with me and wonder.

Your mind spins fast and furious
SO much work for so little reward
Yet you offer me a runway and give me wings
But I can’t fly
And Hummingbirds don’t ever land
And I wonder why

You ever flew so close to me
When u always knew
There was no time to drink.
but
Even Hummingbirds sometimes buzz less fast
And fly less furious
I know.

passenger

2010-01-10T00:25:00.000-08:00

So much promised
So much to gain
From knowing you.

Shelter, safety and warmth
From hearing you
Strength, direction and knowing
From touching you
And when you took over the wheel last night
And drove us far past the city limits
I know I had found
Trust, loyalty and another forever friend
From loving you.

So many ways to see
So many roads to show you
So many things to find
I never knew.

sighing eyes

2010-01-10T00:23:00.000-08:00

Your skin was smooth sand
And the tide rose and fell inside each breathe
And between each moment when the waves brought you to me
And you joined my shore.
The surf is silver here, as the Moon wanes
And my driveway is the pier
You are light years away
But somehow by trickery of the light
You are before me
Kissing me
And telling gentle stories I know are untrue
Of how you are wanting me, and this is real
I want to believe too
I truly do
The moon shines so strong tonight
Ill float a while longer
Your eyes sigh as your waves lap the rock
Of my patience
And settle, knowing full well
That even the clifftops give way eventually
To the ocean.

raw

2010-01-10T00:18:00.000-08:00

im raw

I was never tamed
i came to show this civiliztion
u can be free and real and deep
short and long lasting
momentary
fleeting
and eternal
hard to understand know or hold
yet beautiful when moments allow
u never tamed me
I wanted you to
but it got too hot close
and I had to bolt.

regular, manly, me

2010-01-10T00:17:00.000-08:00

I stayed up for you
I stayed up long past bedtime
and just drank a vitamin shake because I knew
id sleep well past lunchtime

u made me lose the schedule I never had yet

I let you
I allowed

I wanted to dissolve before you
have you nail me
not cross, but aggressively calm
u personally lift all I could want and desire

natural
manly
regular
you

I need to be these things

regular
manly
me

polaroid passion

2010-01-10T00:11:00.000-08:00

You're my fantasy
sneakers, no socks
when I asked
u didn't smile, you wore the
couldn't care less jock look
and your pits were hairy and deep
and u looked at me like u sit here all day
stroking me
letting me stroke you
we're buddies
your legs are hairy
my fantasy
you touched your feet on my chest
you spread your legs and sat in my computer chair
locked them around me
watched me
let me watch you
you wore an athletic shirt
and were so laid back
so calm
I wondered why I couldnt run into you
in the game of 'im a free spirit but I wouldn't mind
being with you
a lot longer
I am raw I see this now
real
you are my fantasy
but you were here
you were
polaroid passion
an instant you were real
I felt you
touched you
u even left pools on my pillow

my fantasy

so many thought swim through my head
when I see you
I know it's from something I dont quite remember
or dont quite understand
and I have a feeling i'll be
revealing and reliving a lot of that these days
this next chapter
to finally have what I wanted and to then let it go
is that my game now these days
to have you and let you go
because I came to experience
want
and desire
but no longer need

you are my fantasy
your feet turned me on
the way the hair stopped at your ankle
the way you put shoes on without sox
the way you said dude

the stolen smile
I owe you.

You're my fantasy
and you said and did everything perfectly
on time, in line
I dont mind if you have flaws
ill sweep them under the rug
with mine.

What a trip (up) that'll be.

amber alert

2010-01-10T00:09:00.001-08:00

its a neon no
a crimson cant
a weeping wont.
and a slow-mo don't go
and a two-tonne sorry
it's my load lightened
beneath the crushing weight
of stern silence
and conflict contemplation
an amber alert of iressolvable
idiosyncracies
differences once divine
now, sinfully separatist
horned angels
don't ask
won't tell

bottle broken

2010-01-10T00:08:00.001-08:00

all under the twinkling lights of downtown, still
such noise, such sharp bottle broken jagged journalist
war-words, unresting
uphill, battling gravity
and spinning like stars in a glass galaxy
of stones, thrown
mirrored by loves reflecting rays
that stopped, twinkling like the lights of downtown
that shout their silence to me, still.

The Lions Den-ial

2009-11-17T02:24:00.001-08:00

tripod trio fire
you walk in
scorching Salem stains in the ground
bright burnings telling tales of
polished pride and unconquerable
insecurity.

fish fry in your pain pan
spitting by the sizzling sun
of overexposure. swimming upstream,
I find myself on the hunt myself,
but for solace, for solitude
for shade

like the ones you wear.
Can you yourself see your own glare
when you stare too long in the mirror.
My mirror.
Me.
On the reflection of my surface, I see the rain
and the storm clouds ready to burst
to cool me.

Pride is tiring.
Soon you'll clamber off the tread
and mill not scorn-corn but defeat-wheat.

maybe then we can swim and march together,
you and I.
without the oversensitive tantrum tsumanis
and holier-than-thou heat we generate.
lion and fish, swimmer and stately.
placid and proud. turbulent
and too much.

Aqua

2009-08-18T04:59:00.000-07:00

Water-bearer
you did, you actually brought me water
you hand delivered
all 20 oceans of it
to my back yard pond
politely! without breaking a sweat
you shocked even me
when you shouted and the room jumped
and jovial, wild winks
huh?
you came before me?
I know. I forgot how the winds wane
and H20 is made up of so much oxygen
why did I ever think I'd drown?
I breathe in bubbles
and you were right,
I swim in the clouds.

caffeine cool

2009-08-18T04:55:00.001-07:00

ringing my hearts hands out
easy, allowing the stillness
of its beating beauty
and simple silence,
ever effortful

yet through you, in this
i find it
when my frozen frap's condensational
comfort, melts beside your manic
laugh and you remind so effortlessly
that
freedom feels like me.

mirrorball

2009-08-16T21:08:00.000-07:00

twinkling like a candle flame
dancing in the dark
your ability to light a room
shocks me
an electric-blue backlight of
neon knowing
strobe smiles,
my mirrorball

law of distraction

2009-08-16T01:58:00.000-07:00

like draws like
same draws same
i guess that makes
unlike draw unwell-water
from the despair drain, too
my hunger for famine,
my love for you?

I wonder...

2009-08-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

I found this today
a message that quietly came my way
to softly sit, and sadly say:

Something is most appealing if it is most forbidden, disapproved, condemned, or unattainable.
If we could have whatever we wanted, there would be no fantasy. Would that be any fun?

I don't know.
we were over before
we begun.

spell

2009-08-07T19:21:00.000-07:00

i hear you.
and wherever you are,
you hear me
i know you hear me
and you don't want to
but you do.
deliver me paper cut envelopes of gone guilt
my name misspelled I before U
but you put U before me
dotted and slashed my T
eclipses darkened the door
where you left the boy,
what about the girls?
dog whispers and cat calls
wolves wait for no one
you devour the darkness
skulking skull
no longer any eyes to even see
but i hear you.
moving in the sand.
choosing the ending.
rewriting the story.
ill close my eyes.
the sand is strong, and its time
to sleep.

aloe

2009-08-07T19:20:00.002-07:00

sculpting
a nest or wall
warm clay
cold shoulder
conditional hugs
i putter, potter
shape me
we had no vessel
we were falsely framed
and barely formed
we were in the making
and it got muddied
but not from salt,
or sex
you deserved the desert
and its dry there. you drove off
cut with a cactus,
aloe then goodbye
healing halted
arid arrivals
your wheel no longer natures
cycles for one

takes two

2009-08-07T19:20:00.001-07:00

duo directions
tandom trails
there were options
we could have gone
the back pedals hit me
and i look behind, i still do
and my ice cream drops
it takes two
you let me cycle solo
there was a northern exit
before it went south
you let me sit solitary
why not wait
like i did,
shins bruised, from slipping
cracks covered
instead of asking me to
walk without

turning saltwater into fine wine

2009-08-07T19:19:00.000-07:00

i never hurt you
i never tried to
and we could have eaten ice cream this fall.

you always listened
you always heard?
and we never slung snowballs in summer.

and
we should have done what
we could
to patch the spring we leaked last winter.

and we could be here, seasonal still.

oh pisces fish

2009-07-20T16:09:00.000-07:00

Oh pisces fish,

12 months
52 weeks
epsom salt sighs
countless silent clouds
timeless cries

and one txt message
that it's over.

Was your net worth?
worth the net

oh pisces fish?

ouroborous

2009-06-29T20:05:00.001-07:00

A lot of things came full circle
this month
My surgery
our foreshadowed shadow
I guess that always hung overhead but which
by my divine power of self-deception
i believed gone.
A lot wrapped around, an ouroborous,
serpent circling a figure 8, eternally returning
back to where it came
so much returned, and resolved this week, after one year
did it create relief? i guess some
this time though, I'm letting all the pieces fall into place
and not fighting it. What is there to fight this time?
All is, was and will be One
And in that centre, there is no war
No reflected projected
no polarity
just an endless and eternal moment
smiling.

Healing Hurting

2009-06-29T20:04:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's all mirrored
a surgeons knife cutting my skin
your heart torn
my feeling your care is conditional
and my faith in us,loosened by that
Maybe my healing of physical
aids yours
Maybe it's all mirrored
one of us is always looking at
at something that reflects within
i guess it's all a question of gaze
i'll heal in
and maybe you'll heal out
maybe we''ll come together
or maybe in the very act of becoming whole
the hole of you will seal
like the surgical skin i'm blotting with warm water
every day.

juggling your tears

2009-06-16T16:15:00.000-07:00

I'm glad i woke
this morning
i thought i was late
but i was right on time
for another chance
another go around at this
Moment Thing

last night dragged

me down?
no.
i found the latch in the secret door
where i'm fine, you're fine, we're all fine
fine is all there ever is

and did u see it?

there!

i just died right here in my manager chair
and woke up to find you still there
still wondering when the clock would strike
its match, when your healing would ignite

when it's already come
you're whole and healed
and i'm smiling juggling your tears
and you laugh
as i fall over my own advice.

coulda woulda shoulda

2009-06-16T16:14:00.000-07:00

i could wait
outside your shell
knock on your phone
shout up to your hate
and chase after your door

in the hopes
you'll open
answer
reply

but i wont
why not?
because my love is quiet
and it's sitting beside you
right now, and watched you
nail bars to the windows
me in a coffin
and yourself on a cross

our neverending story

2009-06-03T00:16:00.001-07:00

there's no end point
no perfect us
no finally there
there's only the road we're on
discovering, forgetting, rediscovering
following winding ocean pathways
scaling salty cliff walls
sinking into sand
taking glass elevators to top floors
revolving at night
lying still in darkness
running in light
sharing words, stealing glances
knowing without proof
you stained my glass heart
holy,
and i believe.

Ventura Pier

2009-06-03T00:15:00.001-07:00

remember it?
of course you do.

someone else remembered
the girl who I guess left us there
a balloon tied to the bench

a passing cyclist cut the tag
and read the verse, left for her

we though it strange

you showed me the cracks in the wood
and the water lapping beneath
and the walls we'd built previously
cracked too, and your heart lapped
my shore, or was it my neck
I felt it pounding in both.

we didn't walk all the way
we didn't need to.

remember it?
we don't need to go all the way
we already have
and now, we'll take our time
under Ventura Sun, to walk idly
with all the time in the world
taking it slowly
savoring the scent of sea-salt
and deciding it's time to go back to the car
because it's chilly,
and time for a hug.

maybe one day we'll reach the end of
the Ventura Pier
but maybe it doesn't matter
my memory of you floats on the water
that covers all shores
lapping all piers I dive from
when my heart joins yours.

Malibu Moment

2009-05-28T14:08:00.000-07:00

did you know the ocean beats inside you?

i heard it, its sandy shores whispering
from within your chest.
it soothed me, quieted words,
as the sea spray soaked me in you-dew.

did you know this moment was all there ever was?
when you became the beach and I cuddled the cliff
of your chest.

was the sun shining?
I don't know. were we alone?
of course.

the tides within you ebb and flow,
we come and go,
sometimes choppy, sometimes
so clear, so crystal, so calm
i can see the depths

before you put your hand in
and make me ripple and it's lost again.

In Malibu, our hearts stopped.
And yet we were more alive
than ever.

Shhh....

here comes another wave
for our surfer souls.

stillness

2009-05-28T14:05:00.000-07:00

and the trees seem to know.
the wild leaves seem tamed.
still.

even the dogs don't bark.

the dust settles.
the silence cuddles close.

a blink takes an hour
and a smile, about 3 years.

from the moment you catch me
to the moment you turn away
glowing.

The ER of I and U

2009-05-01T19:54:00.001-07:00

The ER of I and U

no wonder I got burned

they said I was a guy magnet
they’d melt into me
they did

they never told me the pain
of the heat,
of the passion
melting
my little wax heart

especially when you tried that afternoon
to pull away
and tore the only illusion I ever thought
would stay.
my skin was soft and smooth
but lost its shine
when I needed surgery
to take
what of yours
had merged with mine

your smile
a piece of your frown
your roughened hands
you offered when I fell down
shards
of trust,

fragments of
damp-sweat and tear-wet

lust

and a tattered
tattoo
in its place.

Your heart beat firm and fast
beside mine.
Your face…
such a long, long while.
Was with me.

A final hug
And one last smile.
And the endless tug.
Of our war.

That’s why
it took
Such a long, long year
And still, today

To heal the wounds of our
Spiritual surgery.

i don't know your number

2009-05-01T19:48:00.000-07:00

I don’t know your hands
But I know their warmth.
I don’t know your lips
But I know the words you whisper.
I don’t know your name
But I know how it sounds last at night.
I don’t know your whereabouts
But I know you passed by two days ago.
I don’t know your number.

You just stood by
And saw me ask for your number
In your eyes
I saw your caller id blocked.

You just watched
As I walked away
And cast your eyes away from the headline
We just announced
In secret
Down to the news in the morning paper
In your hand.

You just said nothing
As I wondered and wanted
And hid beneath your gray sweater hood
Roughly shaved and
Beautiful, I walked away untouched
By the shards of growth in your chin

You just shared a snapshot
Taken in the dark room of your space
Which never had time to develop
In the bright light of our next morning

But still

You just felt so good
And I touched your soul
During our nightlong conversation
And if you give me your mind
Which you did

You’ve given me all you ever could.
A piece of your heart
Unknowingly…

this morning

2009-05-01T19:47:00.001-07:00

Your warm butter back melted
As I curled up close
And strapped my chest around you
holding the cold off.

I could barely breathe for the fumes
Of you were stronger than the scent
Of oxygen I was used to, on cold
mornings like this.

You were barely audible over the
sound of your heart
playing hop skip and
.,…jump
with mine.

I was skipping hop-scotch
With the number of times you blinked
back a thought and stifled a worry
And swallowed fear
Each time you came up for air
As I did,
then lost the desire to breathe
and we died together once more,

drowning in
the ocean
of this mornings
togetherness.

in the valley...

2009-05-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

Your lips met mine
Where it matters
Your eyelashes fell between
My own, as we nestled
And your smell
Is something that still,
Still remains here.
Your arms wrapped round mine
Stronger than strangers
And harder than hardly anyone
Had held me before.
Your kisses were planted somewhere
In the fertile fields of my neck
In the valley where only a few are allowed
To go.
Your smile is like my own
Deep, sustained and real.
And the way you feel
Is similar.
I admire your strength, the way you talk low
And aim light, the way you sit in awkward silences
Comfortable.
We gave and took equally, and that is where my peace lies
This morning.
If dawn came sooner I could sing your praises with the birds
But I serenade your secretly in the shadows.
I carry your touch, your eyes, and I know I’ll be thinking of you
And wanting to see you again soon.
We met on an enchanted week, after the full moon
And where our Journey leads, who can tell
I thank you for the way you held me, and most of all
For leaving behind
Your smell.

bending time

2009-05-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

How come in the last thirty
Minutes since you cradled your head
Against my neck
Did I swim in the warm ocean for 3 hours.
How did the sun rise and set
And how come we arrived back here
Late for your appointment
When we only closed our eyes for
A moment.

I can’t set my clock by us
Any longer.

Its too dangerous when you draw near
Because my heart races and my blood warms
To such a degree that the coziness of your arms
And the scent of your lips
Is just too much
My eyes begin to close
And I'm so safe,
In your so familiar arms
That I could die inside of you
Without a care.

Does this mean I love you.
And does this mean we have time
How can I be conscious with you
When all our time is spent
Trying to reach for breath
Trying to see through all this warmth

I can’t set my expectations
By us, any more.

Just promise me, that you’ll be waiting
There, when I managed to break free
And come up for air
That’s all

I can set my head down
Cradled in your neck
Til you say its time

more time

2009-05-01T19:40:00.001-07:00

You don’t want to touch me
Til after work.
Fine.,

I’ll be paddling upstream with the boy who has less money
And more time.

late

2009-05-01T19:39:00.000-07:00

you’re touching me through
Gold plate glass
Stroking my gloved palm
And kissing my veiled lips
Holding me close with your
Heart, caged.
Your words measured, meet my
Mind watchful, and together we somehow
Find intimacy, feigned
Hidden behind smiles
And wrapped around careful words
Aloof freedom and possessive walls
Scaled in moments of aloneness

You’re calling to me through
The thick of the night
Close, from a distance
And open, behind the doors of your crystal
Cut blue eyes.

You’re talking to me through
The stained glass tears I cry.
Seeking solace by the radiant fire
In the haven you won’t create inside yourself.

You’re wondering through
Your wandering questions and flickering gaze
Why there is no closeness here

I’m tracing my steps my steps back
Through the
Looking glass, finding the small hidden area
Of my soul where I gave up intimacy
Where I followed seeds into a maze
Not of my own making

The rabbits hole is wider this month
But I didn’t fall
The door closed too early to
And the earth fell in

Because I’m late.
Always late
To get the message

I taste you
And my soul shrinks
And I drink you
And I’m taller overlooking all my faults
Reflected in yours

I wander in this land
Through the shadows

winged messenger

2009-05-01T19:38:00.001-07:00

I just saw a white pigeon
Pass my window
Its not a dove
but its peaceful here.
Its eating worms brought up by
The rain

woman on the cliffs

2009-05-01T19:37:00.001-07:00

I could be her
She sits waiting over the ocean
Watching under the tide
Green blue and aqua foam
Rising, then falling
Within reach of her and then forgetting
I think she came back here tonight
To remember too
Who knows whether the dark blue above the horizon
Is really the ocean she searches
I wonder if she sees me standing
Watching her through the white waves
Smiling.
And I wonder if she remembers
My name.

at the time...

2009-05-01T19:36:00.001-07:00

Because....

That is how I felt at the time.

Send me as much silence
As the time I ignored you
Shower me lightening
As I did when I shouted
Banish me to darkness
As I left you out for 2 cold nights alone.
Talk to me as If I am nothing
As I have locked you out from being here.
Switch off my soul
Like the light I tried to extinguish inside you.

I shall sit and feel too
Just how bad I was to you

I don’t mind

Banish me, hurt me
Make me suffer for all I said and did

And I shall bravely take it all
Why?

Because I would not change a thing.

Why are you leaving me
And telling me with such cold indifference

Allow me the same right as I allow you

It was how you and I felt at that time.

I thought I'd find you there

2009-05-01T19:35:00.001-07:00

I thought id find you there
Within the curled up wire and rustic void
Before me, but you did not come
And I do not know if I should now avoid
This empty room, this naked place
Where I cannot feel your presence,
Even see your face; I come each night
But I leave still hoping, more if more might
I wonder if you wonder too
If you sit and wait and question what the others do.
I cannot stop, I will not cease to find you
In this empty city heart there’ll be no peace
Here, no place to start, if the darkness blows
Your name this way, but nothing else
Just rain clouds gray skies, that is all
Hope that will not die, although its about to fall
And broken still I will not go, until I see
Your faithful beauty in haunting glow
Before me for I do not lie
Ive sat here waiting, ask me why
I do not know, I know not where
I came here tonight because I thought
I’d find you there.

remini-scents

2009-05-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

I know you’re a hologram
Wearing a different smile
And clean blue eyes
But that doesn’t make it any easier
To leave you behind.
I know you reflect my own fear
But on this time-line yours are just
Too hard to bear, and I'm too sorry-soft.

I miss your arms the most,
The way you make a veggie burger
In whole wheat toast
How u curl up behind me
When I haven’t even asked to be held
And I miss the way you felt
The warmth.

And I miss the way you smelled.

Sidekicks and Kicks in the Side

2009-04-26T02:28:00.001-07:00

I love you all
The words you used
The way you somehow managed
To make me look to the only thing that mattered
Look to the only thing that really was important
To feel and see all I needed to
To gain all I ever wanted
The way you somehow managed
To make me look
At me.

Sensuality

2009-04-26T02:26:00.000-07:00

The steam that rises from this tea
Curls a million saspirilla smiles around me
Smiles that hug and warm
And tickle at times.

The metal on this cold unyielding
Machine sculpts my hot, tearing muscle
Building it back stronger and more supple
So that next time, the love this cold hard steel makes
With me, is deeper and lasts longer.

The scattered waste of yesterday around me,
Wrappers of treats, and crumbs of love’s cake
Remind me how much I forgot that spirit
Dwells here no matter what time of night
No matter how slow I am to rise
And no matter what I feel is wrong or claim
Is right.

The taste of the rain across my lips
And the smell of the wind at night here
Is almost too much, at 3am as
I walk home. The stars are dripping golddust
And I can barely see for there are so many tears here
Shed between shard of rainglass
Broken from the mirror in the sky above
Where is Venus today?
Where in the sky does she look deep into
The river of my own heart
And see such beauty.

The skin I wear
The things that surround me
Are the river upon which I float
Each rub of my jacket sends me somewhere else
The smell of my freshly washed shirt
Pushes me over the edge
And I am making love all over again
As the door opens and winter washes over me
I am born as the leaves blow inside
And as the storm clouds gather above
I know the rain will not cease
And I’ll have another reason
As the moment before is washed off
By this one
Another reason to love
This place I keep finding myself in
Again.

Setting Sun

2009-04-26T02:25:00.001-07:00

Circling in the possibilities
That come with the night
Your entrance brought in a new tide
That spoke of quiet passion
The depths of which tales were told
By campfires and dragons were slayed
By dawn.

I caught your wonder and I sense
Your desire but perhaps it was too quick
To catch or maybe it was already gone
For you moved so smoothly with the shadows
I wonder if the fact I’m an Astrologer
Sends you away, as I bring the sun to all I do
And you’re much safer hidden.

I wanted to own you for but a moment.
And u let me. Somewhere in the deep sea sighing
Of your heart, I heard a chorus of surrender
Serenading the little piece of me I left
Inside you. And as I recall this morning
The small trace of your own mystery takes shape
somewhere
Buried beneath my skin, .

The pyramid hope I build
Comes effortlessly now. Sacred architecture
Built on nothing but a foundation of possibilities
That come with the night.

Who can say if what you spoke of
In the shadows, with your eyes
Is a written oath or a rite of passage
Legal in its day and dated with the rising
Of tomorrow.

Quiet, its quiet here now
The morning is too far away to even find
And I am lost. Lost here in these dark
Possibilities, that dodge my grasp
Knowing full well I live in the light
And they shall pass if they are glanced upon.

Ill stay a while longer
In the dark. Till morning shines its lighthouse
Call. My siren song is nowhere near as hauntingly long
As the moment we shared this morning.
For someone who lives like the sun
I would bow my head and bring night
If only to hear the silence that pours from your
Skin
One last time.

Constant

2009-04-26T02:23:00.000-07:00

Life’s not about winning or losing affection – its about finding a constant source within.

Blue

2009-04-26T02:21:00.000-07:00

You’re so self assured
With your childlike eyes
And so undeliberately wreckless
With your naïve smile
That I cannot feign surrender
Or even hesitate to run
From the fires in your ice-blue eyes
And the freedom
In your unearthly tight hold.

You’re so threateningly fragile
When you stop by late, smelling of the night
And as you step inside the place you know
Is warm and free, so dangerously comfortable
I think I could be here long enough
To lose the grip I have so painstakingly made
To the lies around me. So unfamiliarly right
You are, so inappropriately cold it seems
To have to lose your arms for even a moment

You’re so undeniably knowing
In your questions, and for a moment there
I thought I was actually falling
But how could I have been?
It was 5am and you were so unknowingly folding your wings
Around me.

marked

2009-04-26T02:19:00.000-07:00

You don’t need to spray cologne on my t shirt
Like you did this morning
The traces of your river
On this parched skin
runs eternal
Even during the drought months when you’re busy
When a phone line is too tight
And your schedule is too wired to call
Or remember.
U seem to now, you know when to find me
Your clock is always set now
To Just The Right Time
That I barely even know the alarm is ringing
When you are finding me
When you are somehow in my arms
And our lips are seemingly one
And you are inside me
searching for the last mark you left
For the unfinished song that echoes there still
Our unending search for each other
Inside ourselves
Starts when you leave
And returns when you are back here
Its been hours and years and a century
Since you were here under my comforter
And silent, smiling,shouting a million words for love
In your silence.

pieces of pisces

2009-04-26T02:17:00.000-07:00

A piece of me in
You.

Not the same but enough to make
Me smile.
And u know fine well
I read the sign you left.
We’l never talk about it again.
You knew
Didn’t you
That when I came you’d leave
A piece of you in me
Too.

Pole Shift

2009-04-26T02:14:00.001-07:00

The dual of duality
Was once a deep divide
= And conquer =
A march drum incessantly

Calling sides to advance.

The pole shift changed all
Of that. Where desecrated deserts of loneliness
Faced the oasis of touch
The bridge began building
And the white flags waved,

And two became a third, no north no south
No rising sun in the east, no end of daylight in the west

Meeting you changed all of that.

The pole shift in my heart happened quietly one morning
When time slowed and we were caught
Between sunrise and sunset, when it was so dark
I could only follow the pulsing of my hearts light
And so bright, I had to trust your endless faith
In the face of the deepest shadow
Cast not by a fear, but by the unknown
I see here, even in the moment between moments
A duality lies. Only this time, I cannot see myself
Nor you, but the endless possibilities of us,
The bright shadow, and the nighttime dawn
Of Now.

fallen angel

2009-04-26T02:12:00.001-07:00

ill never fall again
because i found my wings
and i find that in each moment, no matter how dark
no matter how many questions remained to be answered
no matter
no matter
in each moment
my heart still sings.

love sick

2009-04-26T02:04:00.000-07:00

i guess i was already sick
before we met
maybe you had your suspicions
or maybe my diseased cells inside
were receptors picking up pain-frequencies
from your own raw-radio.
But we stood atop a mountain
and all was quiet
we sat, in silence
and enough was said.

Wasn't that healing enough?

I guess I can't blame you for
my falling a little further apart
Inflamed lungs, so close
to an overinflated, or underachieving heart.
I wonder if compassion & freedom is only found
in forgiving it all, even the one who
sprinkled soil on me
when I was reaching for the sky.

did I miss something?

2009-04-26T02:00:00.000-07:00

did i miss something?
i didnt see change
your profile said you were over the angst-ridden stuff
yet your music dripped alcoholic tears
and stained the steps to your building

was the key not fitting anymore
telling me we'd lost our fit too?
or was this all a forgiveness game
that I screwed up with you?

did I miss something
did I miss something
as much I miss you?

even though I felt
you hurt me
without reason to.

there are no victims

2009-04-21T01:05:00.000-07:00

Even though it seems you hurt me
Turned out the light just as I was finding my feet
I will not let the scarred memory of
Your touch, leave me a victim

I shall not be one of the walking wounded
Trailing torn heartstrings
A violent violin sonata,
I will not let the trails of tears carve
One more solitary walk home
Down my face.

I will not let my beauty be scarred
By the abuse of silence
That rained under your skies.

I will not be punished by your
Words made in jest, laughed at and prodded.
Denied in your eyes.
I deserve the best. I will not make your lies
And your own game, blind me to my own.
I shall not let the memory of your
Unfaithfulness to your word, convince me
To become a victim of your love.
I am not a victim.
I chose it all, and the words to say
That being a martyr is unbecoming
And the victim soul
Is a role I cannot
play

My Love

2009-04-21T01:04:00.001-07:00

My love needs no healing
So I shall not cry.
It needs no reassurance because it finds play
In a lifelong afternoon alone.
My love needs no work
For what is work but necessary
And my love needs not a breeze of this.
My love needs not even freedom
For a need is a void
And my love knows no such thing.
My love needs you?
No.
It just wanted to find a willing hand
Who wants to play
Too.

seeing

2009-04-21T01:03:00.000-07:00

If you come close, and quiet
You’ll get to see the healing you need
You shall find it reflected within me

Need affection?
These arms are reassurance enough

Need humor
Talk to me for a while
and you’ll brighten as you make yourself smile

want to paint?
Watch the landscape fill with color
As you dare to draw your thoughts before me

Want safety
I see the rocks are nowhere near as you think
And as you are allowed to be, with me,
The light turns on, and somehow you see it too.

You’ll see what you need to, within me
I often wonder if you truly see me

But I guess you don’t
Or I guess you do

Because you see yourself
And I am you
Too.

set and rise

2009-04-21T01:02:00.000-07:00

Our conflict is not mine
But yours.
And I guess, yes, its therefore part of me too.

I hope you find the pain eases as you
Honor your feelings
As I have honored mine

Honoring them all the way
To leaving you.

I cannot be blamed for feeling
Sad and for finding freedom again
Why sit and wait to share more pain

The skies turns a million shades of turquoise here
As I sleep
More shades than the clouded horizon
You like to drive on in the daylight.

You say you work long enough to see the sunrise and
the sunset.
I don’t find beauty in that anymore.
I find love with you only in the moment between these such
moments.
The sun rises each time I see you
And sets when you drive away.
Which is okay.
I just see more of nature than you do.

modeled after you

2009-04-21T01:01:00.000-07:00

I am a model
Cash falls into my bank because of my eyes
And the way my skin falls tightly
Over my strong cheekbones
And my lips make millions
Find desire.

In all traditional ways
I am beautiful
Long lashes, dimples,
Dark hair and eyes, handsome
Sexual

I’m beautiful in all such ways
Of this world
But yours

The photograph you take
Sees me in negative
The long lashes I blink as I cry for you
Are webs threatening entanglement
My eyes, accusing in their
Love for you
A judge & jury you cannot stand
Because you cannot see the beauty inside you

How can u see mine?

Everyone finds me beautiful
But you

I guess that’s okay
I see a million mirrors before me
But I never see your reflection
Except when I look into my own eyes

Now you are inside me
Can u see through me
And see
Hjow beautiful I am???

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, are Libras the “fairest” of them all?

2009-04-21T00:59:00.001-07:00

Your mixed messages
I’m sitting still trying to untie,
with the ribbons when you once said
‘your skin stops me from getting closer’,
now knotted. You forgot you tied them
so neatly around me.

The urgency of your need to discover Me
was left behind one morning
when summer sun left storm-clouds;
brewed cups of pain-tea, which you made
but never even drank with me.

- The - slivers - and – shards – of - the – past -

from reflections of us
still cut my feet, when I walk too far into yesterday
and remember why it was
the mirror fell.
I sit in the ocean, and swim, so far away
It’s hard not to dwell on
where my one safe land was.
Sometime
I’ll build my own lighthouse
so I’ll not need you to steer me away from the rocks.
I’m reaching another shore.

I always wear red. I was the lifeguard.
You think you saved me.
I think we did a good job at rescuing each other.
I’m piecing together our mirror again.
It may take a while.
I’ll leave it out to dry under the Full Moon
And then cast it into the ocean.
Tied with loose new ribbons.
Dipped in inks of raspberry ripple.

You’re whispering to me, now, tonight.
but I don’t hear
anymore.

It’s hard when the waves make more sense
and their crashing serenade against this shore
is hypnotic.
The Universe holds it
now.
If you find a shard of our reflection
send it to me.
I need sometime, to piece it all together.
Or at least keep it in your box
With three pictures,
Two silver rings
and our one
last
. breath

man on a beach

2009-04-21T00:58:00.000-07:00

I think you’re just strong
You smoke, so maybe your lungs
Are a little weak, but you don’t flinch
When you tell how you carried rejection
Uphill. You fiercely took on the wind
When we bladed downhill
At 5am.
Physically you’re greater than me.
You have light brown eyes that are smooth
Mellow chocolate and I could be scared by you
But your aggression isn’t so much a lie
As a tattoo you wear that looks painful and tough
Yet is delicate and sensual.
Your eyelashes sweep the night air
Causing the waves before us.
I think you’re strong.
And the smell of your skin I am yet
To discover. I think I already know
Your arms, you give me them in
Your words.
I think I already know you,
Since you became the daytime memory
Of my moonlit love.

If

2009-04-21T00:56:00.002-07:00

If only

We’d made sunset
Maybe as the day disappeared
From view, so would the news
You told me on the way there would
Too.

If only

We’d lived in the moment
Between hoping and knowing
We could have enjoyed the peace
And bliss of innocence

caramel comfort

2009-04-21T00:56:00.001-07:00

The quiet passion
That cuddles around my shoulder
Cloaking me in warm
Is not unlike the comforter draper around
My heart you tucked me in with, the morning
You met me.
The passion is less fierce as the raging fires
You started with paint stripper
And the gas in your truck.
This fuel is slow burning and made
From melted butter.
Its honey, and warm butterscotch
Baking bread scented and drips of vanilla
Caramel.
I’m smiling because this passion
Is forever. Moving through my veins
With less courage and less determination
Than the need I felt with you
But just as strong, just as long lasting
And true.

stripped

2009-04-21T00:52:00.000-07:00

Further and further
With every word you laid out so heavily
Punctuating periods of thick silence,
It was hard to breathe at times
Knowing not where the land was
Quiet beneath the ocean beside you.
We floated there for a whole Moment
Deeper and deeper
With who knows, and whether;
Hugging what ifs
And when.

The aroma of the freedom you feel
In being so open, was so heady
I lost myself twice, and touched timeless
It was the only thing I could do
To catch my breathe,
Hanging up on you.

The ease with which you stripped me
while you shed your own verbal armor
Was so disarming I gladly stood
Exposed for you, for there is so much
I still cannot see, even though I see
You entirely before me

You stand, wearing nothing and yet hiding
Everything. How come?

U beckon me to you
With a smile somewhere inside your dark brow
Behind your dark lashes
Your breathe is long in motion slow
And a bead of water falls to your lip
Are you going to kiss me
With one more word
With one more thought
With one more way to show how confident you are
To be free
Inviting me to fall
Further and further
With every word
Down deeper
And closer
To a place
Even you
Yourself
Don’t
Yet
Know?

I only hope so.

nightlight

2009-04-21T00:50:00.000-07:00

Give me freedom
Let me go
Yet squeeze me tight
And leave the Light on.

Don’t wait up
I’m chasing stars
Don’t worry I’m fine
Just leave the Light on

I’m taking off,
Say Bon Voyage
I’ll find my way thru the night
If the Light’s on.

I’m yours?

OK. You can be mine too
If you stand by my side
With the courage to grow
Even if it leads away from me
If we can speak in silences
And toast marshmallow
Over warm dreams
And talk
Simply
Yet
deep
about anything, everything and nothing.

I shall always give you freedom
And I let you go

That’s why we are soul-mates
You squeeze me tight
When its dark and all through the night
You Leave the Light
On

eyes of an artist

2009-04-21T00:48:00.000-07:00

so deceiving
it coulda been someone else
who held me on the phone for hours last night
in ten whole minutes.

His voice was thick red velvet curtains
And yet here, now, before me
Velcro blinds, a cut and copy cardboard cutout
Of the shadow shone last night..

..I knew I chanced fate
And slipped myself a hook
The line was a good one
And sinker, I saw myself
Trying to reach for air
Finding any joke I could
To hide the fact I was disappointed

Your voice did not match what
I heard last night.

Do you speak in misplaced
Truth? I wonder since the rich silence
I heard on the phone, is now broken
By bottle cap shards and s
Syncopated snapshots of your smile
And the glowing embers of the vowels
He left imprinted on my digital audio tape.

I'm checking to see if it was you.
And somehow, through the magic of technology
I think it is.
I just somehow heard you differently.

My ears are such artists

They paint your words in spring bud shades
And add vibrant color to the autumn
Way your thoughts fall.
And somehow I hear you beautiful,
Where my eyes see you
Aren’t at all.

And once more I punish my senses
For judging through the color of my own
Winter eyes.

No wonder it gets so bitter cold here
And why it’s no surprise
I reach for the peace
Of summer when it’s just too hot
To cry, and just to late even try
To wear yet one more
Fake disguise.

Our Seasons

2009-04-21T00:41:00.000-07:00

I know u have a lover now
and you're busy a lot
learning deep valuable lessons
moving in time with each others darkness

throbbing over a painful word
an aching trigger
and a moment when you're One.

I know time is different now
because you're a different Us
a new 'we'

but I miss being around you
knowing you
watching a tv series, in episodic order

I thought we were linear too
but I keep going back to our First Season
when we didn't know much about our characters

when the drama thrust us into new places
and each other
and we were left on a cliffhanger

We always said when moving into season 2
destroy the set
I guess I did

u still live there
but it's all different now
Let me know when you're ready for Season 3

or if they're canceling the show
for a spin off.

Moving

2009-04-21T00:39:00.000-07:00

you can make me move
oh Great One
you can say leave
Get out
Go away
Move this week
pack this weekend
oh Lordly One
You can take my things

you can throw them on the street
(you did)
burn them
make me forget them
or try and steal them
(how can you steal what was given so willingly?)

you can make me, oh 'Dominant' One
decide what's best
what rule to erect
which hoop to spin around me
you can try and make me jump
since trying is all you are left
doing, oh Controlling One

since you don't really know
which way my penny lands
cookie crumbles
or if indeed I'll be here tomorrow
to bet, or eat.

You can take it all
oh Creative One
but I'll still be floating around
watching you, eyeless

smiling that you thought
oh MisGuided One
that you really thought (did you?)
that I wasn't you
and that I'm not forever too?

Sleep

2009-04-21T00:37:00.000-07:00

I like it when you're sleeping
you're less harm to yourself
or me

you're not neurotic
worried about money
you're not overcleaning
overcounting
controlling the kitchen
because its all you can keep clean
and the dirt of your anxiety
is taking over like
bacteria.

I like knowing you're asleep
I can wander the hallways and corridors
with oxygen
less polluted by storm clouds
furrowed brows
and you looking down at me
for not following the rules that
have gotten you this far
on a sinking ship

Excuses

2009-04-21T00:35:00.000-07:00

It’s Mercury, Ma
It’s mind murder, it’s messy
It must be my mistake.

It’s Mars, Ma
It’s much too late and
I just can’t wait

And It’s me, Ma

It was my my mouth
That murmured misunderstanding
Misguided motives
Muted, and muffled...

Word-War

2009-04-21T00:34:00.000-07:00

Ill try
To walk, not talk
To silently suffer than to sharply speak
At the Academy of Word-War

Weapons cost only a student loan
Here, an unpayable debt,
A hurtful hole on the harmless.

I’ll try to be more like you

Standing taking an arm crashing into your head
You never attended my school
You stayed home instead and painted.

Maybe that’s why you stand so clear and clean
And were never tainted?

chill winds, prince

2009-04-21T00:31:00.000-07:00

sleep well prince
for in the coming morn
I lose my way
and the forest glade leaves me.

I will remember your last tread tonight
the echo of the footstep
you are taking with you

I do wish horseback was for two
bareback riding is much better
when there's a saddle and my name etched there

i've ridden wild stallions
my whole solo speeding life

the barn is warn, yes
and the hay a safe space

bubbles burst and like dish soap
pop,
unlike the carnival ones that
children chew.

I feel yours around me prince
not a bubble but a wind
that if you’re quiet
u can feel it still

even from the chill winds of Iceland.

fleeting, eternal

2009-04-21T00:25:00.000-07:00

I'm raw

I was never tamed
i came to show this civilization
u can be free and real and deep

short and long lasting
momentary
fleeting
and eternal
hard to understand, know or hold
yet
beautiful when moments allow

u never tamed me
I wanted you to
but it got too hot, too close
and I had to bolt.

Miss you Mitri

2009-02-08T02:41:00.001-08:00

You'd sometimes just sit there
your green eyes trained to me.
Watching.
I'd often wonder what you thought.
Whether you just put up with me
or whether you enjoyed being alone together
when the house was empty.
\you'd sometimes ask me for something
and I'd ignore you, brush you away
and you'd return not long after.
I think you knew, didn't you.
(didn't you?) that I loved you
and that you'd get a treat if you
stared long enough.
Did you get enough treats?
You hated me taking a bath
didn't you?
You'd worry I would slip and fall
drown and never wake to hold you again
another day. Or at least eat together.
You'd sit sometimes when the lights were out
and I was sleeping, I saw your green eyes
refleting light from somewhere, a street light outside
perhaps.
You knew stuff.
You used to commune in dreams, you'd say so much
with silence. And I did hear you purr a few times,
so I know you were happy.
And you seemed happy with me around.
But you see, tonight
I'll never know if you weren't doing so well
when I wasn't.
But I tried to come back
to visit you
I hope you know
and I hope you saw
when you lay stiff, your eyes were light years away
and you left alone.
I miss you.
And I'm sad last night you died.

un-edited

2009-01-03T02:07:00.000-08:00

Before me, the city
Behind me, the hills of lights
Where most of it took place

Beside me, a plastic well of spring water
And an empty parking lot

Beneath me
A different home
On the same globe
Less friends, more lessons learned
More space, less room
More moments, less time
Less reason to want more.

You mentioned starting a scrap book
This month,
But Ive scrapped too much
And someone scrapped having me around
But if it makes for a pretty picture
Or movie idea, I'll tell you my story
And since you're a great surgical editor
& Unpublished healer

maybe you can re-write my mending.

don't know, can't decide

2009-01-03T02:05:00.000-08:00

The stillness of the aftermath
Always astounds me.
How you can hear the air
And smell the moment between breath
I have 18 cupcakes freshly baked
Un-iced
And I can walk away tonight
And wonder if the cats under the cars down the road
Would even turn their heads as I pass.

Maybe I should have done for you what I did for him
Leave when a mood descends and he needs a moment
To breathe
One I'll have to force because he wants me gone
But wants me near

But cant decide.

Maybe I need to make more emotional decisions for those
Who

don’t know what they feel

When I can see it sitting there
Full bodied in the centre of the room
Tilting its eyes at me
Un-entitled.

searchlights

2009-01-03T02:03:00.000-08:00

I could walk up to the 50th floor of the downtown
Skyscrapers I'm overlooking, and you’d never know
You’d not see the rain pooling this side of the I5
Or the ashamed cascades cutting my cheeks with the lyrics
Of our hurt playing over.

I could eat meat, for the first time in over thirteen years
And you’d have no clue, nor care
And I could jump from this concrete wall
Too far down to the parking lot below
And you’d be somewhere else
Doing other things but worrying
Other things but bothering to leave an ounce
Of energy and attention for my overinflated
Ego.

I wonder which club is playing tonight
Or whether the searchlights in this LA sky
Are trying to find the reason why this week
Had to play out as it did

why i gained a lot of options,
and lost you.

apnea

2009-01-03T02:00:00.000-08:00

You’re in a sleep study clinic tonight
Testing for apnea
You know, those times when you woke you because you
Said you couldn’t breathe
symbolic id say?
My lungs are tighter with the smoke
From our fires
They’ve connected wires to you
And you said its lights out by 11
And you’re wearing the turquoise velor shirt
I brought from England, as company
When I wasn’t there.
I said I still love you, and always will
Even though you kicked me out
Screamed at me because of your pain
Hurt yourself drinking
Neglected us because you needed you
I guess id have done the same if I were you.
And the heart does what it does
Feels what it wants
I try and hold back the ebb
But end up letting it flow.
Its too much pressure to pretend
And risk regretting one day not telling you
That through it all, through the times when you put the light out
Through the moments when you did such a good job at pretending I was meaningless
The many nights you wanted to push and the days you’d be sure to pull
That I cried so much, and it hurt bad
And I wanted to prove to you I could do without anything about you
The mere mention of you, the photo of you, any memory of you
Your old street, the color of your burgundy beat up car
That I thought I saw tonight, but how could it be
Through it all
I love you.
My heart could live without you as I am learning to do
But that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t miss you
It does, I do
But I don’t know a way yet for us to come together
Without spears or worse
Cold shields that stand so tall
They block the light out
California sun is so big, so proud
They must be vast, our defenses
For such brightness to shroud.

deathwish

2009-01-03T01:57:00.000-08:00

please die

if you love me.
go, so I can’t ever see or reach you again.
please hang up your life
so there’s no hope
no chance
no possibility
of rekindling old embers
on dead wood.

please be a disconnected telephone

a forgotten email address password.
please die.
please make it easy to breath
by not existing for me to wonder
to wait, and hope and pace
and yearn, and imagine,
and guess. and expect

and anticipate

please leave there no option
no chance, no hidden clause of our
two chemicals meeting.

..just please don't
erase our reaction.

untied knots

2009-01-03T01:55:00.000-08:00

I spelunked into your pit
in the dark
and you winced, hurting you said
from the brightness of my gaze
intrigued by the candle burning bright
and in awe of the electric flashlight
I aimed straight at your chest

you could feel the beam piercing you
you said
you’d lived there many years, undisturbed
by choice; instead
you wanted nothing more than to be left in peace
away from prying eyes and crying lies
- and I grabbed my rope
offered my hand
and climbed back out

and made sure I left, by universal accident
the flashlight
at the foot of your bed
sharing at you
shining on you, by design?
in the hopes you’d wake before the battery snuffed
and follow the ladder up I’d left
dangling there

did the batteries die
or did I not tie the rope
tight enough?

Fall Back

2008-11-10T14:08:00.001-08:00

did we all take a giant step back
when the clocks did
this eden-less Fall?

Blacks in California put a black mark against
same sex marriages
protesters punches and anarchists arrested
and you pushed me away when I was open armed
and waiting for your call.

did we all lose a bit of progress
when we elected a so-called Liberal
yet freedoms were stripped
when you forced space
and expected me to sit waiting til you wanted me again?

shipped back

2008-11-10T14:07:00.000-08:00

we broke up last night
and I dialed your number by mistake today
somehow I memorized it as the only number id need to dial
so my fingers slipped
I gave you back all the gifts you so nicely gave me
because sometimes you recall them when you don’t get your way
so I shipped it all back and sail lighter today.
you said you’d get therapy
and for the first time I think that’s a great thing to do
since clouds of your past overshadowed our present
and I’m losing sight of you
maybe this Fall will lead to the rise of us (in winter, or spring?)
but I don’t know, neither do you
time has a way of sweeping us to pastures new.

37?

2008-11-10T14:06:00.002-08:00

sorry I gave you
your gifts back
they were given to me under false pretenses
gifts that say ‘im sorry for doing A’
when A is all you know
and the only gift you have to give
how can fault that?
greatly and often, right…

sorry I gave you the nice shirt
I looked good in, back to you

why do I wanna look good in you
when you’ve caused me no end of trauma

I sat in YOUR hospital wing
with your drunken disorderly
I never said I liked clinics
yet I’ve sat there waiting for your results

wow i'm so not into you
anymore
I lost the spark for you
by your childish tantrums
it unnerves me that you’re 15 when your
ID says 37.
How can I imagine making love to you
when you can’t even string a sentence together
without the words ‘I can’t talk about this now’
emblazoned there in big bold print.

Taurus Bulldozing

2008-11-10T14:06:00.001-08:00

I’ll bulldoze into your world
if I want to, okay?
there's no signs saying stay out
or go away
and if you want me to simply go
then just open your mouth
and say so.

less

2008-11-10T14:05:00.001-08:00

I’ll be less aggressive,
less assertive
less call-it-like-it is
less complaining about rudeness and the state of the things
less pushy when you don’t call when you say
less upset when you get cold
I’ll be less in your face, less life's-a-circus
less calling you on your shit
less great at arguing and less mean
and less than the person you
secretly need me to be.

Saturn opposes Uranus

2008-11-10T14:04:00.002-08:00

Saturn stay the same
opposes Uranus change it all
this week
u want to try and work it out
work what out, it clearly just doesn’t work
and its repeating
am I Uranus?
or do we both need fresh air freedom
far away for a while
to see what to salvage
and what to throw out with our wrath-water

pinball

2008-11-10T14:04:00.001-08:00

aaaaaaaaaand….back to me.

this pinball game of step too far
and reel back in
is tiring
I seem to play too many balls or place too
many bets that we’ll be just fine
that fairness will out
when the bell sounds and you’re pushing me out
turned on when you’re happy
and switched off when you don’t want to play
it’s not fair in your pinball game
I don’t have rules
until I re-write them and re-wire them
they say ‘Don’t call me and go away’
its easier to play all or none
and its easier to say adieu and be gone.

my inbox

2008-11-10T14:03:00.000-08:00

my inbox is a treasure trove of waiting wonders
messages of magic and mystical maybes
until our electrical connection fails and I’m in the dark
reloading and hitting the trigger
for just one wink, one more cry from you
and then, all treasure is but ruined cupcakes
ocean floor forgotten-ments you weighed down
with your frown and left there,
and I drown, from falling asleep while diving
it’s such a long way down to my depths
yet further to plunge your own when you’re cold
when you haven’t eaten
and you wonder if your Mother, lying in hospital
will die.

No Big One

2008-11-10T14:02:00.004-08:00

I don’t think there’ll be a Big One in California
The tectonic plates here jar daily
with the changing of the lights
uncertainty shrouds us like the smog hanging on the trees
at Griffith Park.
Everything is a potential devastation
crippling egos, felling those standing tall
knocking down dream-homes and those in-the-making
swallowing up those too small to face the Big Questions
The Big One landed earlier today
when you shoved me into the wall because you
things in your life are heating up
I cut myself on the broken glass of lemonade I was
preparing for you
but you didn’t turn to see it until
you’d made all your dramatic calls to family who were held captive
in their own Big One, hundreds of miles away.

it’s only ever been a series of Big Ones.

Our circus spins plates in tectonic tantrum
smashing hopes and dashing the hopes that in all this
we can still find safety
when it’s okay to be scared
but no longer okay to run the other way.

so much grief

2008-11-10T14:02:00.003-08:00

“why am I getting so much grief from everyone these days?”

you tell me.

you never got it from the hug
I gave u when I last saw you this morning
or from the pill you popped
to numb everyone out
tonight

grief comes when you care
and if my caring causes you grief
a day of winter is coming early.
and you’ll be able to play
in the snow without mittens.
because frostbite hurts less
than heart burn,
right?

timestamp

2008-11-10T14:02:00.001-08:00

I’m sleepy
I woke this afternoon late
ate
took a bath
chased the cats out
chopped onion for our kidney bean hummus
and as though each hour were a day
I’m sleepy, and ready to dream
the rest of my night away
maybe I’m older than the timestamp they gave me
at the hospital 9-5 baby rush

cosmic cotton

2008-11-10T14:01:00.000-08:00

in here

things are quiet
few words spoken
and a small breeze a fresh clean air
and the possibility – if you want it –
of a smile.

I may reach out
I may not
you’ll feel me anyway
from where I sit, right within you
from across this space and time

its like seeing with eyes bolted
with no front door to protect
yet all the safety you could ask for

its as though I’m’ wrapped in a cosmic cotton bubble
unpoppable, that feeling before falling

asleep
in love
for the illusion that its all real

if I look dazed, giddy
it’s only because I’m, high on the trip
of just about falling asleep
just about going
just about remembering

and if I close my eyes
I’ll still be looking right at you

our improv

2008-11-10T14:00:00.000-08:00

we’d make a good improv show.
I speak fast, you cut me off with something
I didn’t expect to hear.
the audience is stunned, backs away.
it’s a car crash of words and careless use of the lines
its done, its over.
over my dead body your soul says.
over mine too.
its witty, and barbed. it hurts.
we laugh. silence punctures our test-tube
of laboratory rat juice, and sludge soup
or everything hateful and wrong.
and we’re still poking, well after class went home
smoke in our face.
it’s a mess.
its so un-staged, no one charges for tickets
but yet they keep coming back..
the audience of friends and onlookers,
just as we seem to spend the week apart
yet wind up there
with something else to say
something else to try on.
just to parlay, to dance, to play then ditch
to unpick, unthread, rip apart, re-stitch
run, walk, abandon, pick up.
we’re always on our feet.
fists clenched, in orgasm
if not anger.
and just as relieved when its not over.
and we’re not through

calendar

2008-11-10T13:59:00.000-08:00

god its those events we wrote on the calendar
that really fucked me up.

the things we missed because we were still bent on angry
and hard with remorse.

its that time wont set still for one moment out one moment
away from everything.

those calendar boxed tripping in a particular day
we’ll never make because our growth is slow
and time is fast. and its gone now, its 2 days past
and im only just beginning to wake.

I don’t like looking at the calendar
not for last week anyway.
so ill pretend I just bought it last night
and hung it today.

if i want

2008-11-10T13:58:00.000-08:00

the ovens on toasting my last bagel.
imagine this really was my last bagel.
I want to run and hug you even though you’re in
the desert right now.
and we broke up
is it easier to love someone you lost
or just continue loving them when you lose your perception
of who they should be for you?
u failed at something, I guess
is that why I was mad?
and now you don’t need to do it, you didn’t and I still
survived so i guess I didn’t need you to do it
for me to live on.
I get it now
i'm getting it now
what are you here for then in my life?
to show me I don’t need you
yet I can want you if I want?

Pluto...

2008-11-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

Pluto,

I’ve sat and dug a hole for us
yet you won’t lie down.
I sit and wait, beneath the weeping willow
yet you won’t grieve.
I’ve wandered along the narrow path
that leads from the road, and wondered how old
you are. You’ve run rings around me
more times than the sycamore and Monkey Puzzle trees
I’ve counted, as the crows took off from the headstones
by the hedges.

Pluto,

I’m wondering if you won’t lie down
because we’re not done, or because you have
other plans. I heard they bury people standing up
these days? And if so, are we frozen in time already?
But I can speak?
So why are we sitting here in silence, when you hear my thoughts
yet don’t reply?

Pluto,

my hands are dirty from filling in our hole.
I’m cold, and hungry. Don’t the dead need no food?
You’re sitting with your back to me yet I can see you
looking at me. Why, Pluto? Why don’t you turn around?

Pluto,

I’ve closed my eyes. I see now what you see.
It’s quiet. And I see us. We never died? Is that right?
Tell me. Ah I see now. The show you’re watching across
the road.

We’re sitting in a diner and the story isn’t over.

failure to lose

2008-11-10T13:56:00.001-08:00

I failed at letting you go.
my heart lied to me.
or was it my head?
I told myself and countless others
we were through. but you were only just
getting me started with me instead.
You failed at letting me let you go.
your heart roped you in.
why do we keep losing each other?
each time is real.
each time the clock stops, the springs whirr.
each time it bothers me so much
that you bring chills to my skin
and make my heart turn gray.
maybe I can make it less important
maybe I can become so strong it matters less.

maybe ill just go and make food and not
worry about it. because I am no longer safe or sane.
and i'm hungry.

slug

2008-11-10T13:47:00.000-08:00

why am I excited?
why.
tell me
u made me cry the other day
and somehow here I am

and it doesn’t matter
its gone

is insanity wiping my mind of things
I feel I should be remembering
you hurt me
it didn’t feel good
and yet because i'm ok now
it should be okay for good?
no. I guess we don’t need to get back in the ring
but why am i sitting outside of this thing
watching this when it's something to be done

no wonder i've felt so sluggish.

only one stretcher

2008-11-10T13:45:00.000-08:00

something just lifted
the sky is still cloud-n-blue
I’m still over here, me
and the last I heard you sounded like you

but something just changed, something just relaxed
some knot was just untied, just then, just now
and I can’t remember what I felt and what winter ice
was blocking me in from running down the driveway
to greet you? to see you?
or did you just take me out of your vice?

something just lifted
someone just came in and tore back the drapes and opened the window
and something is sitting tickling my chest
is Pepsi really that strong?
is this caffeine or is this because I somewhere have decided it’s okay
to not be able to let this go
because its something I want to figure out
or enjoy
do I really enjoy fighting with you?
even after it hurt.

call the paramedics, have them standing by
I don’t know if there’ll be only one stretcher needed
when we’re dying locked still in am embrace
or neck brace.

just the removal man

2008-11-10T13:44:00.000-08:00

there's a gap appearing in your life and
home soon.
and I wonder if its really for me to fill
or i'm just the removal man
who came to help you spring clean
ready for an autumn dirtstorm to roll
its way through your door
dirtying your step with leaves
and leaving someone new after the cold passes.
if so, then I’ll keep my cap on
and keep my sleeves rolled back
and lift heavy furniture for you
and sweep under the rug to make sure
nothing remains,
for your new visitor.
I can help you stock the cupboard one last time
and light a candle.
and brew pumpkin beer and caramel coffee
so it smells inviting, as I leave
and your new guest comes in,
like this seasons calm.

moving in

2008-11-10T13:43:00.002-08:00

the best way to hash this out
perhaps,
is to move in together.

that way we embrace the crazy
celebrate seasons with the psyche’s insanity
and lock ourselves up together
until we face one of two facts:

we love each other and will let each other be
or we will never forgive each other for some past
misdeed torturing our souls this time around.

we’ll live or die
but there’ll be no playing around.
one way or another the pain has to be faced.
maybe right now,
instead of parting
the best thing is to come together
and not be together
not be an ‘item’
but to live together and hash it out.
or maybe it only works if you share your soul
your body
your secrets
your everything.
but then maybe, there’s more to lose that way?

okay then.
I’ll lose it.
lets move in.
together.

Another Shot at Sharing

2008-11-10T13:43:00.001-08:00

I had a boyfriend again.
ha, that’s pretty cool.
he was older (again)
but just as cruel.
okay so that’s not really exactly fair.
he did all he could and was really there..
..until I really needed him.
maybe that’s the test and lesson of all
loves faces. moving new random strangers
into closer familiar spaces.
playing the same games, changing the faces and
switching the names.
that we’re all really only meant to rely on One.
ourselves.
the moment we need to lean, to not fall
it seems it’s the time to crash to earth, hurt, sob
and continue on wiser, braver
or at least broken, messy, alone and hurting
but standing tall.

Tears Free

2008-11-10T13:42:00.000-08:00

your heart may be massive
your gestures grand
you may sing to my balcony
and reach out your hand over the oceans and deserts
throwing train tickets to come get me
your heart may be huge, and your love endless
but I got lost on my way there

when the iron gates said
‘Sorry, dress code.'

I was crying, and your gatekeeper apparently
said it was a Tears Free Ball.

So I walked home alone
and left you wondering where I was.

lazer removal

2008-11-10T13:41:00.002-08:00

my life will continue
I’ll pretend you didn’t leave a scar where you kissed me.
I’ll try and lose the laugh you left me
and I’ll not care for cuddles, movies.
I’ll develop an aversion to tattoos.
cancer crabs I’ll be wary of.
indirect, needing mom, you fit every profile
before you were gone.